If you love me.

This is the most random awkward story ever... I don't even know when I started it or where I was going with it. It's confusing to say the least, but I thought I'd post in anyways.


 (IF YOU LOVE ME)

If you love me. If you ever loved me at all, we wouldn't have come to this. We wouldn't be two strangers living side by side. We wouldn't be two people secretly searching for a way out. We wouldn't be anything at all. We would be free of this.

If you knew the anguish that you caused me, would you look at me the same? Would you still roll your eyes when I begged you to be with me? Would you still tell your friends how much you hated being with me, and then lie to my face? Would you still spend your entire life on your phone? Would it change anything?

If you felt the pain that I feel, would things be different? I doubt it. I don't think anything will ever change. I keep putting on a mask and pretending that things are fine when they're not. I'm hurting, and no one seems to notice. Well, that's not entirely true, I'm sure there's at least one person out there who notices...It just seems that he doesn't really care.

All I ever wanted from you were the same things that every woman wants from a man. I didn't ask you to change your life, or give up the things you loved. I didn't force you to leave your family, your friends, and your entire world. I didn't do those things to you, instead you did them to me. I left my world of my own free will, but I never expected you to be anything but sympathetic. Instead, you throw it in my face every day that I am here now. That I will never go back home. That you will always be here, with me, and no where else. That my world never mattered much to you at all.

You deny me the basic necessities in a relationship, and then question why I'm hurt. We no longer make love like we once did, in fact we don't do it at all. We no longer have those sweet, lingering kisses. Worst of all, you no longer hold me. What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done to make you despise me so much? I gave you a child, made your house a home, cook your dinners, and I've encouraged you to follow every dream you've ever had. I've run away with you, and returned with you more times than I care to count. I've even turned a blind eye to the lies, the deception, and the other women. I have looked past your flaws in an effort to save our relationship, but rather its disintegrated into nothingness.

Often times I wonder if you wanted to get caught with other women. Was that your way out? Were you hoping that I would find out what you did, and leave you? You want to be the 'stand up guy.' You want to pull out the heroics and do what people expect of you. You don't even love me, you told her so yourself. You just wanted to stay together for the benefits you reap. Without us, your income will dwindle, your father will resent you,  your taxes will be lessened, and your visitations will be minimal. You don't want to risk all of that, so instead you sit here, loathing me. You treat me like I'm disposable. You act as though at any moment I can be replaced.

I remember the beginning. Things were so amazing. I knew you were the one for me, but it was all a lie. YOU were a lie. You took me on a boat trip where we sat under waterfalls at sunset. You hiked with me to the top of a mountain, and held me as we overlooked the city. You even planned a romantic beach vacation for us to take in Florida, but suddenly things changed.

Once you found out I was pregnant, instead of your love for me growing...it seemed that you resented me. You didn't want to grow up. You were rich, famous, powerful, and young. How could I do this to you? You asked me that once. How could I take your life away? You never once thought about how I might feel. I was amazed. I was so grateful that God would bless me with a child. Every time I felt her kick, my heart grew with love and excitement.  Every photograph they took of her, just reinforced my beliefs that she was perfect in every single way. Every part of my life she impacted, was an amazing journey that I wanted you to take with me.

Instead, you looked at me repulsed. You watched as my stomach grew, and you commented on my weight. You refused to look at me as an object of desire anymore. I was a ruined woman now. I had been used up, and thrown away like an old kleenex. My heart broke into a million pieces when you told me you were no longer attracted to me. You used excuse after excuse to leave the house, and I always knew that you were going to be with her. I shouldn't blame you. She is younger, smarter, and prettier than I am. She's in the same business as you are, and she's a huge hit with all of your clients. And then here I am. Plain Jane, frumpy and pregnant. No one wanted to see the fat girlfriend. No one wanted to see a pregnant woman at their champagne brunch. No one wanted me around. So, I knew you'd run off to see her.

As days and weeks turned into months of isolation, I felt myself breaking. You never spoke to me anymore. I lived alone inside a frail, fraggle bubble. If anyone made one wrong move, my bubble would burst. I wanted to feel safe and protected inside that world, but as the time grew near for our miracle child to be born, I felt worse and worse.

You came home one night, and I was lying in bed. My body had curled into the fetal position. I was worn out and I couldn't move, but you never said a word to me. At that moment the baby started crying, and your face went white. You looked terrified. You stuttered repeatedly trying to get a grasp on the situation at hand. You didn't understand where the baby had come from. I wasn't in the hospital, so how was this possible? You took another look at me and realized I'd been turning blue. My body was shutting down, and violently shaking with tremors. I hear you shout, "Oh God...." as the situation began to sink in.

The first kind thing you'd done for me in months was about to occur, only I wasn't aware. I was slipping away fast, and to be honest, I never felt like hanging on in the first place. I floated freely into another world as you slipped your suit jacket over my body, and called 911. You told the operator that I had lost a lot of blood, and I apparently had given birth at home while no one was around. The operator asked you how long it had been. They wanted details you didn't have. They wanted to know everything, and in that moment you realized that you knew none of it. I could see the shame on your face.

The sirens from the ambulance were a distant blur. I could hear the baby screaming as you held her tightly. She hadnt been properly treated after she was born, and you were doing all you could to keep her alive until the paramedics came. I saw you quickly throw a blanket over her still wet, bloody body. I saw you try to warm her desperately. I saw you marvel at her, the way I wished you had while she was still a part of me.

The next thing I remember, you were praying to god to keep us safe. I wanted to tell you that you would be better off without me, but my body wouldn't allow me to move. My eyes rolled back into my head, and my heart rate began to slow. The baby was still crying as the paramedics rushed in. I heard you beg them to save me. I heard you tell them how much you loved me. I heard you tell them everything you knew about what had happened, and then I heard nothing at all.

As the paramedics took me out in the ambulance, you went to the night stand by the bed. There was a note there for you, written hours before. It read:

My Dearest James,
I have tried for years to get you to reciprocate the love I have for you, but the timing is never quite right for you. You always have a party, an event, or a client to meet with. My presence in your life has never quite seemed important. I wanted to seek help for my issues, but I was too ashamed. After much consideration, I decided this was the only way we could both truly be happy and free. 

My family disowned me the day I left to be with you. I never told you, because I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I have had no one in my life for the past year, besides you and this child living inside of me. I wanted to be a family so desperately, but that doesn't seem to be a desire you and I both share. So, in an effort to be free, I am leaving her with you. I am hoping that while you have no other options laid out, you will find a way to love her. I questioned only once if I were doing the right thing, and I quickly decided that I was. I know you and I didn't plan for things to happen this way, but they did. 


She is your daughter. She is your flesh and blood. She is everything I have ever loved in this world, combined into one perfect child. I want you to remember me every time you look into her eyes. I want you to share with her the love that we had in the beginning. I want her to know the details of who we once were. I want you to promise me that you will do everything you can to make her understand why this had to be. 


Please, don't ever tell her that you didn't want her. Don't tell her about our constant fighting. Don't even tell her what I've done until you know she can handle the truth. I know this is selfish of me, but I see no other option. Please don't be upset with me, and please don't cry. I have lived a great life, and I know that I love this child more than anyone else on this earth ever could. I know that the bond I share with her is great. She will understand one day, as will you. My pain has become unbearable, and I would be nothing but a burden to you both. So, I will take the fools way out. I will do my best to make this quick and painless. I will do my best to time it so you come home with enough time to spare her life. I have planned this for months, and now is the time for me to follow through.


Please know that I love you both very much, and my reasons for this go far beyond our relationship. Please know that I'm not doing this to punish you, or our daughter. I am doing this because I am too weak to continue living this way. I am too weak to feel this hurt every day. I am a coward, and I will take the cowards way out.


I love you always and forever




Perhaps now you would feel the pain I felt?