The Return Of Beauty...

A new year has begun, and like so many years before I promised myself that I too would become new. I am aiming to be a new person, or a better version of myself if you will. I am finding that while I used to feel like such an amazing person, I have spent the past 5 years turning into a cynic. I used to find the simplest beauty in people, in the world, and in everything around me. Now, All I see is fear, dissatisfaction, and anger. I want so much for that wide eyed version of myself to reappear. I want the girl I was in the past to tell the girl I am today that it's alright to have faith in humanity. I want to know that I shouldn't fear the unknown, but rather embrace it. Well, I suppose since I'm writing the words that I'm already aware.

I hate that I can't be who I was. I hate that I've grown into something other than what I had ever imagined for myself. I love my life as a mother. I love my life as a wife. I just don't love the situations that I'm in right now. I miss my family, my friends, and the future I once saw for myself. I miss driving around aimlessly and stumbling upon some beautiful mess that I could photograph. I miss sitting at the riverside staring off into the distance, resting there with no one but myself and my own thoughts. I miss knowing that if ever I needed something, my mother was just a phone call away. Life never turns out exactly as you plan it.

I live in a new town, in a state that after 2 years I'm still unfamiliar with. I spend my days home alone with my daughter. I once felt safe walking down the streets of my old familiar home town, and now I fear leaving the house. I once felt safe in the darkest hours of the night, in the worst town in the Midwest...and yet, I feel unsafe in this suburb because of a recent break in to my car.

Once I became a mother, a whole new world opened up. Usually, when you hear a woman say that, she speaks of only the good in her new world. However, with a new world, comes a darker side as well. You can't help but wonder anymore who to trust. You can't help but flash back to every disturbing episode of crime drama television you've ever seen, and wonder if the woman jogging on the opposite side of the street is going to hurt you or not. Worst of all, you lose all trust in humanity. It's a woman's instinct to protect her child, and for me that means I trust no one. It makes for a lonely life.

I want only the best for my daughter, but how can I look her in the face one day and tell her that I want her to be everything I wasn't? How can I tell her that she can do anything she sets her mind to, if I couldn't? How can I look at her bright hazel eyes and promise her the world, when I myself am too afraid to go live in it? The answer: I can't.

One day, all of this will make sense. One day, my entire world will open up as if I were hiding behind a large golden gate in some naive world. I will rub my eyes, and the world will cease to be an ugly place. Once again, beauty will replace all of the wrongs in my eyes. Once again, the sun will shine over the mountains, the snow will melt, the flowers will bloom, the grass will be glistening with morning dew, and my daughter will be running outside, laughing, playing, and trusting the world that I no longer deem trustable.

Friends, I won't lie to you. I long for that day. It's a terrible feeling to know that while you have one of life's greatest miracles, a child, you can't even enjoy yourself because you are too busy second guessing life. I long for that return of beauty.