Changes......

I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I guess that's not necessarily a good thing, if you consider that half of my life has been nothing but crap. I am feeling lonely and sad. It's almost unexplainable.

Earlier today, I decided that I need to change my life. I am so tired of sitting at home with nothing to do. I'm already going to be a 24 or 25 year old college freshman, if I can even get my ass into the administration office to sign up for the classes I want to take. We have moved away from BOTH families and ALL of our friends at this point. Our lives revolve around only one another. Having a marriage that is so clingy can be difficult. I always want my hubby around, because I have no one else. I love him, and I worry about how much I annoy him at times.

We are currently visiting our friends back in C-Ville. I admit that I miss it here, but seeing my husband with his friends makes me feel horrible. I'm always a third, fourth, or fifth wheel. I never feel like I'm part of the group. None of his friends really get the kind of person I am. Even tonight for example, my husband is playing cards with his friend Roo, drinking beer, and smoking a hookah. (An actual hookah, not a drug hookah. Just tobacco people.) Well, first of all...we have our baby so I don't want to drink. Second of all, I hate smoking around the baby. I don't smoke, I don't like other people smoking, and I especially hate seeing my husband smoke. I know its fun once in a while, and I've done it a time or two as well...but not inside, not on a weeknight, and not with a baby in tow. Oh, and third of all--they are playing Pokemon cards. I am sitting on the couch, alone, and blogging. I am letting the "boys be boys" and I'm just sitting here trying not to be the nagging shrew.

Regardless, now I feel sad, alone, left out, lonely...you name it. I'm sitting here alone, and I feel like crap. I miss MY friends. The ones I gave up, the ones who gave up on me, the ones who I ran from, and the ones who ran away. I have so few left, that I cherish them. I know that when people move away its hard to maintain a friendship, but no one ever really seemed to try for me. I am hoping to make new friends, find people to be around, and get my shit in order. I'm just tired of not having anyone there for me when I need them, but always being expected to be there for everyone else. It's bullshit. I just want my life back, or at least A life outside of being a housewife.

I love my husband, I love my daughter, and I'm very greatful that I have so much that others don't. There are just times that It's too much to handle. I miss my family, my friends, and everything I left behind. Unfortunately, most of the time it seems that my feelings/wants/desires don't count for much. I'm just thinking it's time for a change. It's just time.