Dear Michael-
This is such a hard letter to write, and I know you'll never read it. That makes it all the worse. You know the story and you know the truth, but you refuse to accept it. You are my brother. You don't have to believe me. You don't have to believe anyone. I know that you were raised by another man. I know that he is your father. However, the fact remains. The blood running through your veins is similar to mine. Our DNA is similar. We are forever linked, even if you don't want to accept that.
I wish you would take a moment to look at yourself. I wish that you could see how you look just like Ty. I wish you could see the same ears, the same face shape, and the same nose. All traits you both inherited from my father. I'm glad that you and Ty know one another. I'm glad that you are friends, even if you refuse to accept that you are truly brothers. I envy him for knowing you.
You will never know how much this eats at me. You will never know how many days I spend wishing that you would give me a chance. I just want to get to know you. I want to know my brother, and I want him to know who I am as well. Stop pushing me away. Stop being afraid. Just open your eyes to a new experience. I'm not going to take your sisters' place. I'm not going to make you forget your family.
The brothers and sisters that you grew up with, well they're no different than I am. They are half siblings, just like me. They are your mothers children, and we are my fathers children. We share the same father. How that can mean nothing to you is beyond me.
I spend every day wondering about you. I wonder how you were raised, what your mother is like, and who you are. I wonder what you like, who your favorite band is, and what type of ramen noodle you think is best. I check out your facebook page, and think up questions to ask you. You can hate me all you want. You can call me a liar, but I speak the truth. You should ask your mom for the papers. My father signed over his rights to you because he was still a married man. Unfortunately for him, you cant make a mistake like that and expect to be forgiven. Not only did he lose you, but he lost my mother as well. In turn, that made us lose you.
I wish there were different circumstances. I wish you believed me. I wish you knew or understood how heavily this weighs on my heart. But, you don't. You are only 19, and you want to go on living blissfully unaware of everyone around you. Your days are spent drinking and smoking, much like your brother and biological father. All I know is that I pray one day, you will stand up and realize that what I'm saying makes sense. I hope that one day, you will listen to your friends who tell you that you look "Just like that Boom kid." Because, you share his genes, just as you share mine. So, I will wait patiently and hope that one day, I can be a part of your life. I already love you and I don't even know you.
Always and Forever
Your big sister...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Savannah
Dear Reader:
This is my first draft of this story. It's a little too wordy, so I will try to fix that later on. Be warned this is a sad, dark story that you should read at your own risk.
-S.V.
My Savannah was a young girl, just fifteen years of age. Her latest birthday party had been held at a skate park just hours earlier. Her friends and family had all attended, but when the street lights came on most of the kids had to go home. She had begged me to let her stay. She saw how cool the other kids looked with their skate boards, trick bikes, and roller blades. Plus, she wanted desperately to garner the attention of a certain high school boy named Brian. She didn't think I noticed, but I did. She had spent countless hours sitting at this skate park without incident in the past, so I saw no reason that this time should be different. I agreed to go home without her.
As midnight rolled around, I began to worry. This was unlike Savannah. She was never the type to stay out late. She was always home by her ten o'clock curfew. I had always thought that I was being so generous with her. "Not many girls your age are lucky enough to have such a late curfew," I would say. The only reply I ever received was an eye roll. As the hours passed slowly, my concerns turned into panic. I didn't know what to do. I knew that if I called the police they would tell me that my daughter was simply a run away. I had no faith in the justice system anyways. So, I waited.
At five thirty in the morning the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat as I thought about my daughter. I quickly answered the phone with a lump in my throat, and a racing heart.
"Is this Maria Bennet?" -The voice on the other line asked hesitantly.
"Yes, yes, yes this is Maria Bennet! What's happened?"
"Miss Bennet, we've found your daughter. She is currently at Belleview medical center getting checked out. She's asking for you."
Just then, I burst into tears. I couldn't ask for details. I couldn't even speak. I just listened to the voice on the other line, as he explained to me what had happened. I quickly thanked the officer for the information, asked him for the hospitals address, and left the house still in my ratty old pajamas.
The drive to the hospital was a blur. I could remember running red lights, and street cameras photographing my license plates in order to ticket me for my reckless driving. I could remember cutting off a green station wagon, and not caring when the driver showed her a less than friendly gesture over the incident. I didn't give a damn who I upset, who I insulted, or how many tickets I got. All I cared about right then was my daughter. My sweet, innocent Savannah.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I parked in a no parking zone and rushed inside. Before I knew what I was doing, I had forcefully thrust my hands onto the receptionists desk, and had begun questioning where my daughter was. The receptionist asked me to calm down, so she could better understand what I was saying. I hadn't noticed it before, but I had become hysterical.
As I slowly tried to calm myself, I once again asked where my daughter was. The receptionist paged the on call doctor, and had him take me down to Savannahs room. I didn't know why my baby was in the hospital. I didn't even care what the reasons were. I just wanted to know that my daughter was okay.
The hospital door opened, and there she was. My beautiful daughter, sleeping soundly on a tiny hospital cot. She looked like an angel as she slept, just the way she always had. This time however, she was hooked up to several noisy machines. Her face was bruised, her lips were cracked, and there were ivs sticking out of her arms. It was alarming to see my only daughter this way, so I just sat and wept quietly to myself.
Hours later, Savannah awoke. At the sight of me by her bedside, she burst into tears. She wanted so badly to tell me what happened. She wanted so badly for me to make things right, but I couldn't. She had begged the doctors not to tell me what had happened to her. She told me that the words would come, in due time.
The Ivs that were sticking out of her arms made it difficult, but I still found a way to hug her. I couldn't believe that just twenty four hours earlier, she was celebrating her fifteenth birthday with friends. I couldn't believe the events that unfolded on the eve of her birthday. I couldn't believe it, and I simply didn't want to.
The hours turned into days, and Savannah remained at the hospital. I called into work and let them know what was going on. They agreed to give me personal time off, so I could be with my daughter. I never left her side, except to run to the house and get her favorite stuffed animal. She loved Mr. Binky, and she had since infancy. She would never admit to her friends that she still carried around a stuffed animal, but I could see that my baby was in pain. I knew that Mr. Binky would help soothe her.
Nearly three days after the incident occurred, one of Savannah's doctors pulled me off into the hallway. He wanted to know if she had told me yet what happened to her. I felt ashamed when I told him that she hadn't given me the details yet. He gave me a concerned look, as he gnawed on his upper lip. I was told that another doctor would be coming down to speak with me, and that I could go back into Savannah's room until he arrived.
I was beginning to panic. Would Savannah ever tell me what was wrong? Would she ever tell me what happened to her that night? Her bruises were fading, but still prominent. They were a constant reminder of the secret she was keeping from me. I wanted so badly to hold her and comfort her, but at the same time I wanted to shake her until she told me what happened. Instead, I patiently sat by her bedside, once again holding her hand.
After a few hours had passed, Savannah drifted off to sleep. She wasn't eating, and she cried any time I left the room. She never wanted to be left alone with any of the hospital staff, and she refused to speak to nearly anyone. I pried our fingers apart, and went to the bathroom to freshen up, because I knew this would be my only chance to do so. Just then, there was a knock on the door. I peeked around the corner to see another man in a white lab coat beckoning me.
I tiptoed out the door to meet with the young doctor. I noticed that his name badge was different than the other doctors in the hospital. He looked at me with concerned brown eyes, and told me that if my daughter didn't talk to someone soon, they would have to recommend that she be placed in a mental health facility until she opened up. I was shocked, terrified, angered, and mortified. What kind of a monster would recommend a fifteen year old girl be put into lock down? I wouldn't allow them to put my Savannah in some sort of home where they would shove medication down her throat, and make her participate in group therapy. I stormed away from the doctor, and watched as he sulked away with his eyes on the ground.
I barged back into Savannah's room, not trying to remain quiet this time. I shook her until she woke up, and I started to question her. I could tell that she was confused, as she rubbed her eyes and looked around. I couldn't help myself anymore, and I just persisted more and more. I begged her to tell me what happened. I screamed at her. I cried until my eyes were sore. She just stared at me. I dropped to my knees and begged her to let me help her, but she once again looked right through me with a blank stare. Finally, I told her that if she didn't tell me what had happened, I would have no choice but to send her away. And with that, tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Mommy," She said to me in a wavering voice, "I don't want you to be upset with me."
I looked at her with great concern, and I felt my eyes fill up with tears once more. My voice was just as shaky as hers.
"Savannah, you know that no matter what happened, I will love you. This was not your fault, whatever happened, wasn't your fault. Someone else hurt you. Someone else put you here. The only anger I will feel is towards that person. Just please baby, please tell me what I can do to help!"
My sweet Savannah sat in bed crying, picking the pink nail polish off her index finger. She always did things like that when she was nervous, so I didn't press her for any more information. I let her take her time, even though it was killing me. I let her spend the next fifteen minutes tearing nail polish off of her finger nails, only glancing up at me occasionally. Finally, she cleared her throat.
"Mom. I don't know how to tell you this, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm only telling you, because if I don't, I know I will be sent away. I want to close my eyes mommy. I want to close them tight and wish away all of this. I want it all to be a horrible dream, but I know it's real. I don't want you to know any of this mom, but I know that I have to tell someone. Please don't be mad."
I looked at her with horror and concern on my face. What could have happened? What could have gone so terribly wrong. What kind of monster hurts a child on her birthday? All of these thoughts ran through my head, and Savannah continued to speak..
"The night that you left me at the skate park, I was trying to impress my friend Brian. He is an older boy, so I tried to act cool. I watched as he and his friends did tricks on the skate ramp, and I cheered them on. As the hours passed, I didn't even realize it. I was having such a great time. Soon, his friends all left, and Brian offered me a ride. I told him that I would rather walk home, because you always tell me not to get in the car with new drivers. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Pretty soon, I started the short walk home."
"I put my headphones in, turned on my ipod, and lost myself in my favorite song. When I was only a few blocks from home, I felt someone grab me. I never got to see his face mom, but he punched me the second I spun around. I fell to the ground, and three other boys came to help him. I didn't try to get up, because I was too afraid of what they would do to me. Instead, I kept my face down on the ground and I cried. They heard me crying mommy, and they kept beating me. One boy stole my ipod, my cell phone, my purse, and even the shoes off my feet. He took off running, and demanded the other boys follow, but they didn't. Before I knew what was happening, they had my pants off. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and thought about being anywhere but there. I cried loudly into the cold, rough pavement. The boys took turns with me, and when they were finished, they beat me again."
I stared at her as I tried to get the strength to move my mouth. I couldn't form words, I couldn't comprehend. I was completely numb.
"Mom, Brian tried to call my cell phone because he knew that I was walking home. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, and when he couldn't reach me he got worried. He drove all around the skate park looking for me, and when he finally found me, he called 911. I was so afraid of what those boys might do to me again, that I never even moved. I was still on the pavement, crying silently. I had managed to pull my pants back up, but they were torn and tattered. Brian got out of his car and sat with me as I wept, waiting for the ambulance. But mommy, that's not the worst part...." And with that, her voice trailed off.
I searched my mind trying to think of anything that could be worse than what my daughter had just told me. I searched my mind trying to come up with some sort of rationalization, but I couldn't think of anything. I managed to muster the strength to ask her, "What's the worst part then baby? What could be worse than that?"
Savannah looked away ashamed. She didn't want to tell me the last part of the story. She didn't want me to know the ending. What could be worse than what she had gone through? What could be worse than being raped ? What other horrific trials would my fifteen year old daughter have to endure?
Just then Savannah looked at the ground, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear her.
"Mom, none of them used protection. I didn't want to lose my virginity this way. I don't know what to do. The doctors ran a rape kit, and they helped me file a police report. But.....mom, you know I'm against abortion. So I.....I uhm....I turned them down when they tried to give me the abortion pill."
My face went white. I couldn't breathe. I sat there in stunned silence. I wanted to scream, fight, kick, and yell. I wanted to tell Savannah how stupid she was for turning down those pills, but I knew better. Savannah was a strong girl, with strong beliefs. I knew there was no changing her mind. Finally, it dawned on me what it was exactly that Savannah was trying to tell me..
...And we wouldn't know the answer to our questions for weeks.
This is my first draft of this story. It's a little too wordy, so I will try to fix that later on. Be warned this is a sad, dark story that you should read at your own risk.
-S.V.
My Savannah was a young girl, just fifteen years of age. Her latest birthday party had been held at a skate park just hours earlier. Her friends and family had all attended, but when the street lights came on most of the kids had to go home. She had begged me to let her stay. She saw how cool the other kids looked with their skate boards, trick bikes, and roller blades. Plus, she wanted desperately to garner the attention of a certain high school boy named Brian. She didn't think I noticed, but I did. She had spent countless hours sitting at this skate park without incident in the past, so I saw no reason that this time should be different. I agreed to go home without her.
As midnight rolled around, I began to worry. This was unlike Savannah. She was never the type to stay out late. She was always home by her ten o'clock curfew. I had always thought that I was being so generous with her. "Not many girls your age are lucky enough to have such a late curfew," I would say. The only reply I ever received was an eye roll. As the hours passed slowly, my concerns turned into panic. I didn't know what to do. I knew that if I called the police they would tell me that my daughter was simply a run away. I had no faith in the justice system anyways. So, I waited.
At five thirty in the morning the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat as I thought about my daughter. I quickly answered the phone with a lump in my throat, and a racing heart.
"Is this Maria Bennet?" -The voice on the other line asked hesitantly.
"Yes, yes, yes this is Maria Bennet! What's happened?"
"Miss Bennet, we've found your daughter. She is currently at Belleview medical center getting checked out. She's asking for you."
Just then, I burst into tears. I couldn't ask for details. I couldn't even speak. I just listened to the voice on the other line, as he explained to me what had happened. I quickly thanked the officer for the information, asked him for the hospitals address, and left the house still in my ratty old pajamas.
The drive to the hospital was a blur. I could remember running red lights, and street cameras photographing my license plates in order to ticket me for my reckless driving. I could remember cutting off a green station wagon, and not caring when the driver showed her a less than friendly gesture over the incident. I didn't give a damn who I upset, who I insulted, or how many tickets I got. All I cared about right then was my daughter. My sweet, innocent Savannah.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I parked in a no parking zone and rushed inside. Before I knew what I was doing, I had forcefully thrust my hands onto the receptionists desk, and had begun questioning where my daughter was. The receptionist asked me to calm down, so she could better understand what I was saying. I hadn't noticed it before, but I had become hysterical.
As I slowly tried to calm myself, I once again asked where my daughter was. The receptionist paged the on call doctor, and had him take me down to Savannahs room. I didn't know why my baby was in the hospital. I didn't even care what the reasons were. I just wanted to know that my daughter was okay.
The hospital door opened, and there she was. My beautiful daughter, sleeping soundly on a tiny hospital cot. She looked like an angel as she slept, just the way she always had. This time however, she was hooked up to several noisy machines. Her face was bruised, her lips were cracked, and there were ivs sticking out of her arms. It was alarming to see my only daughter this way, so I just sat and wept quietly to myself.
Hours later, Savannah awoke. At the sight of me by her bedside, she burst into tears. She wanted so badly to tell me what happened. She wanted so badly for me to make things right, but I couldn't. She had begged the doctors not to tell me what had happened to her. She told me that the words would come, in due time.
The Ivs that were sticking out of her arms made it difficult, but I still found a way to hug her. I couldn't believe that just twenty four hours earlier, she was celebrating her fifteenth birthday with friends. I couldn't believe the events that unfolded on the eve of her birthday. I couldn't believe it, and I simply didn't want to.
The hours turned into days, and Savannah remained at the hospital. I called into work and let them know what was going on. They agreed to give me personal time off, so I could be with my daughter. I never left her side, except to run to the house and get her favorite stuffed animal. She loved Mr. Binky, and she had since infancy. She would never admit to her friends that she still carried around a stuffed animal, but I could see that my baby was in pain. I knew that Mr. Binky would help soothe her.
Nearly three days after the incident occurred, one of Savannah's doctors pulled me off into the hallway. He wanted to know if she had told me yet what happened to her. I felt ashamed when I told him that she hadn't given me the details yet. He gave me a concerned look, as he gnawed on his upper lip. I was told that another doctor would be coming down to speak with me, and that I could go back into Savannah's room until he arrived.
I was beginning to panic. Would Savannah ever tell me what was wrong? Would she ever tell me what happened to her that night? Her bruises were fading, but still prominent. They were a constant reminder of the secret she was keeping from me. I wanted so badly to hold her and comfort her, but at the same time I wanted to shake her until she told me what happened. Instead, I patiently sat by her bedside, once again holding her hand.
After a few hours had passed, Savannah drifted off to sleep. She wasn't eating, and she cried any time I left the room. She never wanted to be left alone with any of the hospital staff, and she refused to speak to nearly anyone. I pried our fingers apart, and went to the bathroom to freshen up, because I knew this would be my only chance to do so. Just then, there was a knock on the door. I peeked around the corner to see another man in a white lab coat beckoning me.
I tiptoed out the door to meet with the young doctor. I noticed that his name badge was different than the other doctors in the hospital. He looked at me with concerned brown eyes, and told me that if my daughter didn't talk to someone soon, they would have to recommend that she be placed in a mental health facility until she opened up. I was shocked, terrified, angered, and mortified. What kind of a monster would recommend a fifteen year old girl be put into lock down? I wouldn't allow them to put my Savannah in some sort of home where they would shove medication down her throat, and make her participate in group therapy. I stormed away from the doctor, and watched as he sulked away with his eyes on the ground.
I barged back into Savannah's room, not trying to remain quiet this time. I shook her until she woke up, and I started to question her. I could tell that she was confused, as she rubbed her eyes and looked around. I couldn't help myself anymore, and I just persisted more and more. I begged her to tell me what happened. I screamed at her. I cried until my eyes were sore. She just stared at me. I dropped to my knees and begged her to let me help her, but she once again looked right through me with a blank stare. Finally, I told her that if she didn't tell me what had happened, I would have no choice but to send her away. And with that, tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Mommy," She said to me in a wavering voice, "I don't want you to be upset with me."
I looked at her with great concern, and I felt my eyes fill up with tears once more. My voice was just as shaky as hers.
"Savannah, you know that no matter what happened, I will love you. This was not your fault, whatever happened, wasn't your fault. Someone else hurt you. Someone else put you here. The only anger I will feel is towards that person. Just please baby, please tell me what I can do to help!"
My sweet Savannah sat in bed crying, picking the pink nail polish off her index finger. She always did things like that when she was nervous, so I didn't press her for any more information. I let her take her time, even though it was killing me. I let her spend the next fifteen minutes tearing nail polish off of her finger nails, only glancing up at me occasionally. Finally, she cleared her throat.
"Mom. I don't know how to tell you this, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm only telling you, because if I don't, I know I will be sent away. I want to close my eyes mommy. I want to close them tight and wish away all of this. I want it all to be a horrible dream, but I know it's real. I don't want you to know any of this mom, but I know that I have to tell someone. Please don't be mad."
I looked at her with horror and concern on my face. What could have happened? What could have gone so terribly wrong. What kind of monster hurts a child on her birthday? All of these thoughts ran through my head, and Savannah continued to speak..
"The night that you left me at the skate park, I was trying to impress my friend Brian. He is an older boy, so I tried to act cool. I watched as he and his friends did tricks on the skate ramp, and I cheered them on. As the hours passed, I didn't even realize it. I was having such a great time. Soon, his friends all left, and Brian offered me a ride. I told him that I would rather walk home, because you always tell me not to get in the car with new drivers. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Pretty soon, I started the short walk home."
"I put my headphones in, turned on my ipod, and lost myself in my favorite song. When I was only a few blocks from home, I felt someone grab me. I never got to see his face mom, but he punched me the second I spun around. I fell to the ground, and three other boys came to help him. I didn't try to get up, because I was too afraid of what they would do to me. Instead, I kept my face down on the ground and I cried. They heard me crying mommy, and they kept beating me. One boy stole my ipod, my cell phone, my purse, and even the shoes off my feet. He took off running, and demanded the other boys follow, but they didn't. Before I knew what was happening, they had my pants off. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and thought about being anywhere but there. I cried loudly into the cold, rough pavement. The boys took turns with me, and when they were finished, they beat me again."
I stared at her as I tried to get the strength to move my mouth. I couldn't form words, I couldn't comprehend. I was completely numb.
"Mom, Brian tried to call my cell phone because he knew that I was walking home. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, and when he couldn't reach me he got worried. He drove all around the skate park looking for me, and when he finally found me, he called 911. I was so afraid of what those boys might do to me again, that I never even moved. I was still on the pavement, crying silently. I had managed to pull my pants back up, but they were torn and tattered. Brian got out of his car and sat with me as I wept, waiting for the ambulance. But mommy, that's not the worst part...." And with that, her voice trailed off.
I searched my mind trying to think of anything that could be worse than what my daughter had just told me. I searched my mind trying to come up with some sort of rationalization, but I couldn't think of anything. I managed to muster the strength to ask her, "What's the worst part then baby? What could be worse than that?"
Savannah looked away ashamed. She didn't want to tell me the last part of the story. She didn't want me to know the ending. What could be worse than what she had gone through? What could be worse than being raped ? What other horrific trials would my fifteen year old daughter have to endure?
Just then Savannah looked at the ground, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear her.
"Mom, none of them used protection. I didn't want to lose my virginity this way. I don't know what to do. The doctors ran a rape kit, and they helped me file a police report. But.....mom, you know I'm against abortion. So I.....I uhm....I turned them down when they tried to give me the abortion pill."
My face went white. I couldn't breathe. I sat there in stunned silence. I wanted to scream, fight, kick, and yell. I wanted to tell Savannah how stupid she was for turning down those pills, but I knew better. Savannah was a strong girl, with strong beliefs. I knew there was no changing her mind. Finally, it dawned on me what it was exactly that Savannah was trying to tell me..
...And we wouldn't know the answer to our questions for weeks.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Who.
Who the fuck am I?
I have no idea. I am so far past lost, that its frightening.
I can't remember the last time I knew who I was, the last time I was honestly happy.
My daughter makes me happy, she is all that i live for these days, but what does that say about me?
I miss laughing, I miss my friends, my family, I miss the crazy girl I once was. I miss being the girl who was okay with living in a tent under a bridge by the river, just for the adventure. I miss running through town with old friends at 2 am, trying not to be caught by the cops. I miss random 3 am walmart trips in the town half an hour away. I miss being happy. I miss everything.
I miss knowing with certainty, who I am.
This has been a personal thought, brought to you by the letter D.
Sarah V.
I have no idea. I am so far past lost, that its frightening.
I can't remember the last time I knew who I was, the last time I was honestly happy.
My daughter makes me happy, she is all that i live for these days, but what does that say about me?
I miss laughing, I miss my friends, my family, I miss the crazy girl I once was. I miss being the girl who was okay with living in a tent under a bridge by the river, just for the adventure. I miss running through town with old friends at 2 am, trying not to be caught by the cops. I miss random 3 am walmart trips in the town half an hour away. I miss being happy. I miss everything.
I miss knowing with certainty, who I am.
This has been a personal thought, brought to you by the letter D.
Sarah V.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Photo Blog
These photos have all been taken by me using
a Canon Rebel Xsi.
..Enjoy..
Set 1: Self Portraits
Set 2: Nature
Set 3: Colors.
Side note: The last 2 photos in the 3rd series were not taken with the Canon Rebel Xsi. The first was taken with a Sanyo, and the second a Kodak.
These are just a few of my favorites.
Poetry pt 2
Poem 1: Cheating
Well I digress
I must protest
The way you are behaving
For it was love
And never lust
That I had been craving
I gave up every word
And Every tear
That ever I'd been saving
The silver blade
The red, broken vein
You called it misbehaving
Well I digress
I must protest
In the way that I've been treated
For It was you
Twas never I
Who said I'd been defeated
So here I stand
Leather bags in hand
And away I am retreating
Of your cold heart I've tired
There's nothing left of you to be admired
And It is I, whom you've been cheating
I must protest
The way you are behaving
For it was love
And never lust
That I had been craving
I gave up every word
And Every tear
That ever I'd been saving
The silver blade
The red, broken vein
You called it misbehaving
Well I digress
I must protest
In the way that I've been treated
For It was you
Twas never I
Who said I'd been defeated
So here I stand
Leather bags in hand
And away I am retreating
Of your cold heart I've tired
There's nothing left of you to be admired
And It is I, whom you've been cheating
=============================================
Poem 2: Cheers
This is for everything you tore apart
And every time you broke my heart
For every girl you've ever seen
And for every hand you held
That didn't belong to me...
For every lie you ever told
And every time I believed
For all the times you said you'd go
But instead you'd never leave
For every rumor that you've spread
Since I left you alone
And for every girl you'd been brave enough
To bring into our home
For every scar on my body
That was ever caused by you
For the memory of every bruise
Faded, black, and blue.
For every time you watched me cry
And you just sat and stared
For every time you promised your love to me
And yet it was never there
Here's to every emotional scar I have
And all the years I wasted on you
Here are the photos of me in my wedding dress
I hope you burn these too
Heres to the memory of you as my friend
Whatever happened to you
Here's to the times we sat around and laughed
And even to the times we cried
Here's to the nights I told you the truth
Here's to the nights you lied
Here's to the days you carried my books
Here's to the nights we got funny looks
For all the loving we were showing each other
And here's to your life, with someone other...
Someone other than me, now I hope you can see
That this toast is the end of everything.
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more tears
There will be no small children
Down the road in five years
There will be no long journey
Down the aisle of wedded bliss
There will be no I love yous
And no Goodnight kiss...
There will be no true love stories
For our childrens children as planned
For There will be nothing left by then
Of this relationship we once had
There will be no long tales
Of our days in study hall
And no photos of memories
In our home on the wall
There will never be the things
You wished for there to be
Because there is no more you
Loving me...
And Here's to your new girlfriend
Whose wearing my clothes
And Here's to my heart
Because only she knows...
Why I don't love you anymore.
I think I finally know for sure....
So Here's to the nights
We fell deep in love
And heres to the years
We struggled to keep up
And Here's to the day
We finally said goodbye
And here's the toast
That ended it all...
Cheers, to no more wondering why
And every time you broke my heart
For every girl you've ever seen
And for every hand you held
That didn't belong to me...
For every lie you ever told
And every time I believed
For all the times you said you'd go
But instead you'd never leave
For every rumor that you've spread
Since I left you alone
And for every girl you'd been brave enough
To bring into our home
For every scar on my body
That was ever caused by you
For the memory of every bruise
Faded, black, and blue.
For every time you watched me cry
And you just sat and stared
For every time you promised your love to me
And yet it was never there
Here's to every emotional scar I have
And all the years I wasted on you
Here are the photos of me in my wedding dress
I hope you burn these too
Heres to the memory of you as my friend
Whatever happened to you
Here's to the times we sat around and laughed
And even to the times we cried
Here's to the nights I told you the truth
Here's to the nights you lied
Here's to the days you carried my books
Here's to the nights we got funny looks
For all the loving we were showing each other
And here's to your life, with someone other...
Someone other than me, now I hope you can see
That this toast is the end of everything.
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more tears
There will be no small children
Down the road in five years
There will be no long journey
Down the aisle of wedded bliss
There will be no I love yous
And no Goodnight kiss...
There will be no true love stories
For our childrens children as planned
For There will be nothing left by then
Of this relationship we once had
There will be no long tales
Of our days in study hall
And no photos of memories
In our home on the wall
There will never be the things
You wished for there to be
Because there is no more you
Loving me...
And Here's to your new girlfriend
Whose wearing my clothes
And Here's to my heart
Because only she knows...
Why I don't love you anymore.
I think I finally know for sure....
So Here's to the nights
We fell deep in love
And heres to the years
We struggled to keep up
And Here's to the day
We finally said goodbye
And here's the toast
That ended it all...
Cheers, to no more wondering why
===============================================
Poem 3: Love Destruction
You once loved me
Not just for everything I wasn't
But for everything
I was
My loved for you poured
Like the rain bursting from the August sky
So many years of wasted bliss
And ignorance
We kept thinking life
Could never intervene
And nothing would ever come
In between
You and I, with our love so
Seemingly flawless
Never knowing how lost
Each of us really were
You helped me through the roughest times
You wiped away each tear I cried
And now those days are gone
They've passed us by
Leaving me with no more tears
To cry…
With each new day I awaken
My first morning breath is spent
Just thinking of you…
And me, and what can never be.
It's funny…
They say, "You don't really know what you've got
Til it's gone."
But I had you
And slowly I began losing grasp
It was a feeling I had hoped would eventually
Surpass
Now you're gone
I'm moving on
There's a new chapter it seems
Inside the story of me…
I can't help but regret
Leaving everything I could never forget
Behind in our past
We could have made it last…
We could have forgiven
Forgiven ourselves enough
To let love in again
I wish I'd never given you up
My dearest friend
But now as it seems
You're happier without me
That's all I've ever wanted for you
Smile and move on with your life
Don't ever think back
Don't look to the past
Or think of the maybes
Or the nights spent crying
Over anything
Hold your head high
As our entangled hearts say goodbye
And mourn over the love
We destroyed.
Not just for everything I wasn't
But for everything
I was
My loved for you poured
Like the rain bursting from the August sky
So many years of wasted bliss
And ignorance
We kept thinking life
Could never intervene
And nothing would ever come
In between
You and I, with our love so
Seemingly flawless
Never knowing how lost
Each of us really were
You helped me through the roughest times
You wiped away each tear I cried
And now those days are gone
They've passed us by
Leaving me with no more tears
To cry…
With each new day I awaken
My first morning breath is spent
Just thinking of you…
And me, and what can never be.
It's funny…
They say, "You don't really know what you've got
Til it's gone."
But I had you
And slowly I began losing grasp
It was a feeling I had hoped would eventually
Surpass
Now you're gone
I'm moving on
There's a new chapter it seems
Inside the story of me…
I can't help but regret
Leaving everything I could never forget
Behind in our past
We could have made it last…
We could have forgiven
Forgiven ourselves enough
To let love in again
I wish I'd never given you up
My dearest friend
But now as it seems
You're happier without me
That's all I've ever wanted for you
Smile and move on with your life
Don't ever think back
Don't look to the past
Or think of the maybes
Or the nights spent crying
Over anything
Hold your head high
As our entangled hearts say goodbye
And mourn over the love
We destroyed.
==========================================
Poem 4: Charades
The words I have to say to you
Remain
They're stuck in my throat
And I choke--
As my eyes quickly moisten
You become an image
Of watercolor beauty
right before my eyes
And as I die
I see your smiling face
Which could never be replaced
Because--
There could never be another you
Who would fit me, the way you do...
You with your loving bright eyes
And you're little white lies...
That you told me each time
We held each other to cry
Together...
but alone in my room
And we both knew--
That this was love
But it would never last
Because the past
Could never let it rest
So we swore we'd just
Forget It All--
But who could forget you
Standing there now, in such dark clothes
With a Smile on your face
Because only you know
Why....
My necrosis is now a reality
Though no one wants to believe it
I smile to myself
As you lean in to kiss me
I never imagined you would...
The cold, stiff, flesh--
I was certain
Would destroy you
The closed eyes
And The makeup that tries
To confuse you
The lies that they portray
The eyes that they've arranged
With decoration--
Befitting a young lady
Who sadly Isn't me
Why Can't you see?
Don't you cry for me
Because--
We both know
You were gone
Long before I was--
And I missed you for so long
My tears they fell
Just like a summer rain
My heart breaking each time
The thunder rolled
And you've always known...
Remain
They're stuck in my throat
And I choke--
As my eyes quickly moisten
You become an image
Of watercolor beauty
right before my eyes
And as I die
I see your smiling face
Which could never be replaced
Because--
There could never be another you
Who would fit me, the way you do...
You with your loving bright eyes
And you're little white lies...
That you told me each time
We held each other to cry
Together...
but alone in my room
And we both knew--
That this was love
But it would never last
Because the past
Could never let it rest
So we swore we'd just
Forget It All--
But who could forget you
Standing there now, in such dark clothes
With a Smile on your face
Because only you know
Why....
My necrosis is now a reality
Though no one wants to believe it
I smile to myself
As you lean in to kiss me
I never imagined you would...
The cold, stiff, flesh--
I was certain
Would destroy you
The closed eyes
And The makeup that tries
To confuse you
The lies that they portray
The eyes that they've arranged
With decoration--
Befitting a young lady
Who sadly Isn't me
Why Can't you see?
Don't you cry for me
Because--
We both know
You were gone
Long before I was--
And I missed you for so long
My tears they fell
Just like a summer rain
My heart breaking each time
The thunder rolled
And you've always known...
============================================
Poem 5: Dear Mother
She tried to hide
Behind her piercings
Behind her unnatural dyes
But in doing so she knew
You could still see the pain in her eyes
Her black jeans
With matching shirt
And the blue hoodie
Hiding her open wrists
The weather was as warm
As the blood trickling down her arm
Why did no one ask?
Why could no one help her?
It was the dead of summer
They knew
They had to know...
Betrayed by her own
Flesh and blood, why
Mother?
Why did you not care?
The denial grabbed you by the throat mother
It choked you and you didn't care
You were blind mother
And it was by choice
...Not fate
Oh mother...
Why did you not help your only daughter?
Why did you knowingly
Let me bleed at night?
Behind her piercings
Behind her unnatural dyes
But in doing so she knew
You could still see the pain in her eyes
Her black jeans
With matching shirt
And the blue hoodie
Hiding her open wrists
The weather was as warm
As the blood trickling down her arm
Why did no one ask?
Why could no one help her?
It was the dead of summer
They knew
They had to know...
Betrayed by her own
Flesh and blood, why
Mother?
Why did you not care?
The denial grabbed you by the throat mother
It choked you and you didn't care
You were blind mother
And it was by choice
...Not fate
Oh mother...
Why did you not help your only daughter?
Why did you knowingly
Let me bleed at night?
Poetry Pt 1
Here are a few of my poems from the past. I will post a few different entries of these for you to see. Some are great, some are terrible. They are from the past 4 years. :) Enjoy!
Poem 1: Snowstorm
Noises echo in my mind
A Melody, I can not find
Trees are swaying in the breeze
Inspiration, eludes me
Clouds of Grey are passing by
Within the sweetest sorrows, of the evening sky
The Winds are gusting, blowing leaves
Lonesome swings, deceiving me
The sun is shining, though not warm
I predict a long snow storm
A Melody, I can not find
Trees are swaying in the breeze
Inspiration, eludes me
Clouds of Grey are passing by
Within the sweetest sorrows, of the evening sky
The Winds are gusting, blowing leaves
Lonesome swings, deceiving me
The sun is shining, though not warm
I predict a long snow storm
=============================
Poem 2: Heaven
(This is going to be converted into a story, I don't like it as a poem)
I saw you there this morning,
You were laying your hands upon him once again.
I listened to his screams, his cries
His begging pleas to stop.
…You didn’t.
His face is bruised and swollen,
You have no recollection of what you’ve done, do you?
Another day, another bottle,
Is that all you think about...
How will you get your next fix?
How will you afford just one more case this time…
Fill the red cooler with the white lid,
Take it out on gravel,
Drink while you drive, with the music turned up loud.
You are invincible aren’t you,
Nothing bad could ever happen.
…No, not to you
Days turn into years,
With every day you remain alive after your charade,
Your courage grows just a little bit stronger.
Until one day…
That broken little boy,
Rides the bus home.
Theres no one to greet him at the end of the drive this time.
He walks the half mile to the house,
At the tender age of seven,
he’s home alone.
Where are you?
“Where are you mommy?” He asks with fear in his voice.
As his tears begin to fall,
He sits on the front steps of your country home…
No one is there for him,
No one at all.
Hours pass him by,
The broken boy remains tearfully seated.
He is in the same position as hours before.
Finally, up the drive pulls a white car
With lights of red and blue,
He knows what this means...
He knows deep in his heart.
The friendly police officer greets him,
“Son, how long have you been sitting here in the cold?” He asks the broken boy.
The young child just bows his head, and watches his tears silently hit the concrete.
He knows what comes next…
Mommy and daddy would never leave him home alone,
Not now.
Not like this.
Not on this cold December night.
He knows deep in his heart where mommy has gone…
He looks up at the officer with tear filled brown eyes
And with one simple word, he has his answer
“Heaven."
You were laying your hands upon him once again.
I listened to his screams, his cries
His begging pleas to stop.
…You didn’t.
His face is bruised and swollen,
You have no recollection of what you’ve done, do you?
Another day, another bottle,
Is that all you think about...
How will you get your next fix?
How will you afford just one more case this time…
Fill the red cooler with the white lid,
Take it out on gravel,
Drink while you drive, with the music turned up loud.
You are invincible aren’t you,
Nothing bad could ever happen.
…No, not to you
Days turn into years,
With every day you remain alive after your charade,
Your courage grows just a little bit stronger.
Until one day…
That broken little boy,
Rides the bus home.
Theres no one to greet him at the end of the drive this time.
He walks the half mile to the house,
At the tender age of seven,
he’s home alone.
Where are you?
“Where are you mommy?” He asks with fear in his voice.
As his tears begin to fall,
He sits on the front steps of your country home…
No one is there for him,
No one at all.
Hours pass him by,
The broken boy remains tearfully seated.
He is in the same position as hours before.
Finally, up the drive pulls a white car
With lights of red and blue,
He knows what this means...
He knows deep in his heart.
The friendly police officer greets him,
“Son, how long have you been sitting here in the cold?” He asks the broken boy.
The young child just bows his head, and watches his tears silently hit the concrete.
He knows what comes next…
Mommy and daddy would never leave him home alone,
Not now.
Not like this.
Not on this cold December night.
He knows deep in his heart where mommy has gone…
He looks up at the officer with tear filled brown eyes
And with one simple word, he has his answer
“Heaven."
============================================================
Poem 3: Revolving Door
I constantly swore
That my love for you was never more
And yet here I am, once again
Standing Idly outside your door
I could easily find the words to say
That I loathed your very existance
And yet here we are
And I haven't strayed far
I tell all my friends
This will be the honest end
And here I am sleeping over
Waiting for my heart to mend
I believe all your lies
And you doubt all my truths
So what is it darling
That keeps me here with you
Every smile I had to fake
Every lie you tried to hide
Every little piece of me
That slowly withered and died
Every time you smashed my heart
Then mended it once more
Was nothing but the creation
Of our revolving door
That my love for you was never more
And yet here I am, once again
Standing Idly outside your door
I could easily find the words to say
That I loathed your very existance
And yet here we are
And I haven't strayed far
I tell all my friends
This will be the honest end
And here I am sleeping over
Waiting for my heart to mend
I believe all your lies
And you doubt all my truths
So what is it darling
That keeps me here with you
Every smile I had to fake
Every lie you tried to hide
Every little piece of me
That slowly withered and died
Every time you smashed my heart
Then mended it once more
Was nothing but the creation
Of our revolving door
====================================================
Poem 4: Outsider
(Written with several song titles, and kind of nonsensical)
You push against my lips
Delivering your poison kiss
And darling I refuse to believe
Just what it is you're telling me
For, Ignorance was never bliss
And never could I cherish it
my heart was far too busy, with its breaking
And my crying eyes, too busy aching.
With the changing colors of every autumns eve
I was reminded of all that we used to be
Candlelit picnics in Cavanaugh park
Wrapped in your coat, as I was chilled by the dark.
Pretending one day, we too would escape
Bringing nothing along, but your old worn mix tape
Dreaming of jumping aboard a runaway train
Hoping our efforts, would not be lost in vain.
I realize now, that those were just dreams
And I understand nothing is quite what it seems
Now I am on the outside, and I'm peering in
And I cannot seem to find the spot, that I used to fit in.
Delivering your poison kiss
And darling I refuse to believe
Just what it is you're telling me
For, Ignorance was never bliss
And never could I cherish it
my heart was far too busy, with its breaking
And my crying eyes, too busy aching.
With the changing colors of every autumns eve
I was reminded of all that we used to be
Candlelit picnics in Cavanaugh park
Wrapped in your coat, as I was chilled by the dark.
Pretending one day, we too would escape
Bringing nothing along, but your old worn mix tape
Dreaming of jumping aboard a runaway train
Hoping our efforts, would not be lost in vain.
I realize now, that those were just dreams
And I understand nothing is quite what it seems
Now I am on the outside, and I'm peering in
And I cannot seem to find the spot, that I used to fit in.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
If you love me.
This is the most random awkward story ever... I don't even know when I started it or where I was going with it. It's confusing to say the least, but I thought I'd post in anyways.
(IF YOU LOVE ME)
If you love me. If you ever loved me at all, we wouldn't have come to this. We wouldn't be two strangers living side by side. We wouldn't be two people secretly searching for a way out. We wouldn't be anything at all. We would be free of this.
If you knew the anguish that you caused me, would you look at me the same? Would you still roll your eyes when I begged you to be with me? Would you still tell your friends how much you hated being with me, and then lie to my face? Would you still spend your entire life on your phone? Would it change anything?
If you felt the pain that I feel, would things be different? I doubt it. I don't think anything will ever change. I keep putting on a mask and pretending that things are fine when they're not. I'm hurting, and no one seems to notice. Well, that's not entirely true, I'm sure there's at least one person out there who notices...It just seems that he doesn't really care.
All I ever wanted from you were the same things that every woman wants from a man. I didn't ask you to change your life, or give up the things you loved. I didn't force you to leave your family, your friends, and your entire world. I didn't do those things to you, instead you did them to me. I left my world of my own free will, but I never expected you to be anything but sympathetic. Instead, you throw it in my face every day that I am here now. That I will never go back home. That you will always be here, with me, and no where else. That my world never mattered much to you at all.
You deny me the basic necessities in a relationship, and then question why I'm hurt. We no longer make love like we once did, in fact we don't do it at all. We no longer have those sweet, lingering kisses. Worst of all, you no longer hold me. What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done to make you despise me so much? I gave you a child, made your house a home, cook your dinners, and I've encouraged you to follow every dream you've ever had. I've run away with you, and returned with you more times than I care to count. I've even turned a blind eye to the lies, the deception, and the other women. I have looked past your flaws in an effort to save our relationship, but rather its disintegrated into nothingness.
Often times I wonder if you wanted to get caught with other women. Was that your way out? Were you hoping that I would find out what you did, and leave you? You want to be the 'stand up guy.' You want to pull out the heroics and do what people expect of you. You don't even love me, you told her so yourself. You just wanted to stay together for the benefits you reap. Without us, your income will dwindle, your father will resent you, your taxes will be lessened, and your visitations will be minimal. You don't want to risk all of that, so instead you sit here, loathing me. You treat me like I'm disposable. You act as though at any moment I can be replaced.
I remember the beginning. Things were so amazing. I knew you were the one for me, but it was all a lie. YOU were a lie. You took me on a boat trip where we sat under waterfalls at sunset. You hiked with me to the top of a mountain, and held me as we overlooked the city. You even planned a romantic beach vacation for us to take in Florida, but suddenly things changed.
Once you found out I was pregnant, instead of your love for me growing...it seemed that you resented me. You didn't want to grow up. You were rich, famous, powerful, and young. How could I do this to you? You asked me that once. How could I take your life away? You never once thought about how I might feel. I was amazed. I was so grateful that God would bless me with a child. Every time I felt her kick, my heart grew with love and excitement. Every photograph they took of her, just reinforced my beliefs that she was perfect in every single way. Every part of my life she impacted, was an amazing journey that I wanted you to take with me.
Instead, you looked at me repulsed. You watched as my stomach grew, and you commented on my weight. You refused to look at me as an object of desire anymore. I was a ruined woman now. I had been used up, and thrown away like an old kleenex. My heart broke into a million pieces when you told me you were no longer attracted to me. You used excuse after excuse to leave the house, and I always knew that you were going to be with her. I shouldn't blame you. She is younger, smarter, and prettier than I am. She's in the same business as you are, and she's a huge hit with all of your clients. And then here I am. Plain Jane, frumpy and pregnant. No one wanted to see the fat girlfriend. No one wanted to see a pregnant woman at their champagne brunch. No one wanted me around. So, I knew you'd run off to see her.
As days and weeks turned into months of isolation, I felt myself breaking. You never spoke to me anymore. I lived alone inside a frail, fraggle bubble. If anyone made one wrong move, my bubble would burst. I wanted to feel safe and protected inside that world, but as the time grew near for our miracle child to be born, I felt worse and worse.
You came home one night, and I was lying in bed. My body had curled into the fetal position. I was worn out and I couldn't move, but you never said a word to me. At that moment the baby started crying, and your face went white. You looked terrified. You stuttered repeatedly trying to get a grasp on the situation at hand. You didn't understand where the baby had come from. I wasn't in the hospital, so how was this possible? You took another look at me and realized I'd been turning blue. My body was shutting down, and violently shaking with tremors. I hear you shout, "Oh God...." as the situation began to sink in.
The first kind thing you'd done for me in months was about to occur, only I wasn't aware. I was slipping away fast, and to be honest, I never felt like hanging on in the first place. I floated freely into another world as you slipped your suit jacket over my body, and called 911. You told the operator that I had lost a lot of blood, and I apparently had given birth at home while no one was around. The operator asked you how long it had been. They wanted details you didn't have. They wanted to know everything, and in that moment you realized that you knew none of it. I could see the shame on your face.
The sirens from the ambulance were a distant blur. I could hear the baby screaming as you held her tightly. She hadnt been properly treated after she was born, and you were doing all you could to keep her alive until the paramedics came. I saw you quickly throw a blanket over her still wet, bloody body. I saw you try to warm her desperately. I saw you marvel at her, the way I wished you had while she was still a part of me.
The next thing I remember, you were praying to god to keep us safe. I wanted to tell you that you would be better off without me, but my body wouldn't allow me to move. My eyes rolled back into my head, and my heart rate began to slow. The baby was still crying as the paramedics rushed in. I heard you beg them to save me. I heard you tell them how much you loved me. I heard you tell them everything you knew about what had happened, and then I heard nothing at all.
As the paramedics took me out in the ambulance, you went to the night stand by the bed. There was a note there for you, written hours before. It read:
My Dearest James,
I have tried for years to get you to reciprocate the love I have for you, but the timing is never quite right for you. You always have a party, an event, or a client to meet with. My presence in your life has never quite seemed important. I wanted to seek help for my issues, but I was too ashamed. After much consideration, I decided this was the only way we could both truly be happy and free.
My family disowned me the day I left to be with you. I never told you, because I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I have had no one in my life for the past year, besides you and this child living inside of me. I wanted to be a family so desperately, but that doesn't seem to be a desire you and I both share. So, in an effort to be free, I am leaving her with you. I am hoping that while you have no other options laid out, you will find a way to love her. I questioned only once if I were doing the right thing, and I quickly decided that I was. I know you and I didn't plan for things to happen this way, but they did.
She is your daughter. She is your flesh and blood. She is everything I have ever loved in this world, combined into one perfect child. I want you to remember me every time you look into her eyes. I want you to share with her the love that we had in the beginning. I want her to know the details of who we once were. I want you to promise me that you will do everything you can to make her understand why this had to be.
Please, don't ever tell her that you didn't want her. Don't tell her about our constant fighting. Don't even tell her what I've done until you know she can handle the truth. I know this is selfish of me, but I see no other option. Please don't be upset with me, and please don't cry. I have lived a great life, and I know that I love this child more than anyone else on this earth ever could. I know that the bond I share with her is great. She will understand one day, as will you. My pain has become unbearable, and I would be nothing but a burden to you both. So, I will take the fools way out. I will do my best to make this quick and painless. I will do my best to time it so you come home with enough time to spare her life. I have planned this for months, and now is the time for me to follow through.
Please know that I love you both very much, and my reasons for this go far beyond our relationship. Please know that I'm not doing this to punish you, or our daughter. I am doing this because I am too weak to continue living this way. I am too weak to feel this hurt every day. I am a coward, and I will take the cowards way out.
I love you always and forever
Perhaps now you would feel the pain I felt?
(IF YOU LOVE ME)
If you love me. If you ever loved me at all, we wouldn't have come to this. We wouldn't be two strangers living side by side. We wouldn't be two people secretly searching for a way out. We wouldn't be anything at all. We would be free of this.
If you knew the anguish that you caused me, would you look at me the same? Would you still roll your eyes when I begged you to be with me? Would you still tell your friends how much you hated being with me, and then lie to my face? Would you still spend your entire life on your phone? Would it change anything?
If you felt the pain that I feel, would things be different? I doubt it. I don't think anything will ever change. I keep putting on a mask and pretending that things are fine when they're not. I'm hurting, and no one seems to notice. Well, that's not entirely true, I'm sure there's at least one person out there who notices...It just seems that he doesn't really care.
All I ever wanted from you were the same things that every woman wants from a man. I didn't ask you to change your life, or give up the things you loved. I didn't force you to leave your family, your friends, and your entire world. I didn't do those things to you, instead you did them to me. I left my world of my own free will, but I never expected you to be anything but sympathetic. Instead, you throw it in my face every day that I am here now. That I will never go back home. That you will always be here, with me, and no where else. That my world never mattered much to you at all.
You deny me the basic necessities in a relationship, and then question why I'm hurt. We no longer make love like we once did, in fact we don't do it at all. We no longer have those sweet, lingering kisses. Worst of all, you no longer hold me. What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done to make you despise me so much? I gave you a child, made your house a home, cook your dinners, and I've encouraged you to follow every dream you've ever had. I've run away with you, and returned with you more times than I care to count. I've even turned a blind eye to the lies, the deception, and the other women. I have looked past your flaws in an effort to save our relationship, but rather its disintegrated into nothingness.
Often times I wonder if you wanted to get caught with other women. Was that your way out? Were you hoping that I would find out what you did, and leave you? You want to be the 'stand up guy.' You want to pull out the heroics and do what people expect of you. You don't even love me, you told her so yourself. You just wanted to stay together for the benefits you reap. Without us, your income will dwindle, your father will resent you, your taxes will be lessened, and your visitations will be minimal. You don't want to risk all of that, so instead you sit here, loathing me. You treat me like I'm disposable. You act as though at any moment I can be replaced.
I remember the beginning. Things were so amazing. I knew you were the one for me, but it was all a lie. YOU were a lie. You took me on a boat trip where we sat under waterfalls at sunset. You hiked with me to the top of a mountain, and held me as we overlooked the city. You even planned a romantic beach vacation for us to take in Florida, but suddenly things changed.
Once you found out I was pregnant, instead of your love for me growing...it seemed that you resented me. You didn't want to grow up. You were rich, famous, powerful, and young. How could I do this to you? You asked me that once. How could I take your life away? You never once thought about how I might feel. I was amazed. I was so grateful that God would bless me with a child. Every time I felt her kick, my heart grew with love and excitement. Every photograph they took of her, just reinforced my beliefs that she was perfect in every single way. Every part of my life she impacted, was an amazing journey that I wanted you to take with me.
Instead, you looked at me repulsed. You watched as my stomach grew, and you commented on my weight. You refused to look at me as an object of desire anymore. I was a ruined woman now. I had been used up, and thrown away like an old kleenex. My heart broke into a million pieces when you told me you were no longer attracted to me. You used excuse after excuse to leave the house, and I always knew that you were going to be with her. I shouldn't blame you. She is younger, smarter, and prettier than I am. She's in the same business as you are, and she's a huge hit with all of your clients. And then here I am. Plain Jane, frumpy and pregnant. No one wanted to see the fat girlfriend. No one wanted to see a pregnant woman at their champagne brunch. No one wanted me around. So, I knew you'd run off to see her.
As days and weeks turned into months of isolation, I felt myself breaking. You never spoke to me anymore. I lived alone inside a frail, fraggle bubble. If anyone made one wrong move, my bubble would burst. I wanted to feel safe and protected inside that world, but as the time grew near for our miracle child to be born, I felt worse and worse.
You came home one night, and I was lying in bed. My body had curled into the fetal position. I was worn out and I couldn't move, but you never said a word to me. At that moment the baby started crying, and your face went white. You looked terrified. You stuttered repeatedly trying to get a grasp on the situation at hand. You didn't understand where the baby had come from. I wasn't in the hospital, so how was this possible? You took another look at me and realized I'd been turning blue. My body was shutting down, and violently shaking with tremors. I hear you shout, "Oh God...." as the situation began to sink in.
The first kind thing you'd done for me in months was about to occur, only I wasn't aware. I was slipping away fast, and to be honest, I never felt like hanging on in the first place. I floated freely into another world as you slipped your suit jacket over my body, and called 911. You told the operator that I had lost a lot of blood, and I apparently had given birth at home while no one was around. The operator asked you how long it had been. They wanted details you didn't have. They wanted to know everything, and in that moment you realized that you knew none of it. I could see the shame on your face.
The sirens from the ambulance were a distant blur. I could hear the baby screaming as you held her tightly. She hadnt been properly treated after she was born, and you were doing all you could to keep her alive until the paramedics came. I saw you quickly throw a blanket over her still wet, bloody body. I saw you try to warm her desperately. I saw you marvel at her, the way I wished you had while she was still a part of me.
The next thing I remember, you were praying to god to keep us safe. I wanted to tell you that you would be better off without me, but my body wouldn't allow me to move. My eyes rolled back into my head, and my heart rate began to slow. The baby was still crying as the paramedics rushed in. I heard you beg them to save me. I heard you tell them how much you loved me. I heard you tell them everything you knew about what had happened, and then I heard nothing at all.
As the paramedics took me out in the ambulance, you went to the night stand by the bed. There was a note there for you, written hours before. It read:
My Dearest James,
I have tried for years to get you to reciprocate the love I have for you, but the timing is never quite right for you. You always have a party, an event, or a client to meet with. My presence in your life has never quite seemed important. I wanted to seek help for my issues, but I was too ashamed. After much consideration, I decided this was the only way we could both truly be happy and free.
My family disowned me the day I left to be with you. I never told you, because I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I have had no one in my life for the past year, besides you and this child living inside of me. I wanted to be a family so desperately, but that doesn't seem to be a desire you and I both share. So, in an effort to be free, I am leaving her with you. I am hoping that while you have no other options laid out, you will find a way to love her. I questioned only once if I were doing the right thing, and I quickly decided that I was. I know you and I didn't plan for things to happen this way, but they did.
She is your daughter. She is your flesh and blood. She is everything I have ever loved in this world, combined into one perfect child. I want you to remember me every time you look into her eyes. I want you to share with her the love that we had in the beginning. I want her to know the details of who we once were. I want you to promise me that you will do everything you can to make her understand why this had to be.
Please, don't ever tell her that you didn't want her. Don't tell her about our constant fighting. Don't even tell her what I've done until you know she can handle the truth. I know this is selfish of me, but I see no other option. Please don't be upset with me, and please don't cry. I have lived a great life, and I know that I love this child more than anyone else on this earth ever could. I know that the bond I share with her is great. She will understand one day, as will you. My pain has become unbearable, and I would be nothing but a burden to you both. So, I will take the fools way out. I will do my best to make this quick and painless. I will do my best to time it so you come home with enough time to spare her life. I have planned this for months, and now is the time for me to follow through.
Please know that I love you both very much, and my reasons for this go far beyond our relationship. Please know that I'm not doing this to punish you, or our daughter. I am doing this because I am too weak to continue living this way. I am too weak to feel this hurt every day. I am a coward, and I will take the cowards way out.
I love you always and forever
Perhaps now you would feel the pain I felt?
Friday, March 26, 2010
I'm Staring At The Mess You Made...
What are you doing here?!
That's all I kept thinking to myself over and over again. I wanted to leave, and he wanted me gone. So why was it that every time one of us tried to go, the other would fold? Do we love each other, or do we just fear being alone? Do we want to be together, or do we just want a warm body next to us at night? Will we ever know?
I wish I could remember now, the reasons that I married him. I wish I could recall that special look I gave him, the one from when we were in love I wish I had known that this whirlwind romance would end on a sour note, and we would both be trapped. Too proud to say goodbye, too bitter to work it out. This is what I always feared would happen.
My friends all tell me I can do better than him. They all told me that he wouldn't change, he wouldn't grow up, he wouldn't put my needs first. They were right. But, they never knew him the way I did. They never saw the man behind the mask. They never held him close as he cried the day he lost his job and his father on the same day. They never looked into those deep brown eyes and saw the sorrow that I saw. They never saw how much he needed me there for him. They never saw.
He was everything to me at one point in time. He was the only man alive who could make me smile. He was the only person who made me laugh so hard, I couldn't breathe. He was the only person who referred to my hysterical laugh as "choking a clown." He was the only one.
He showed me off to all of his friends in public, but in private he wouldn't touch me. He told me how much he loved me every day, but told his friends and co-workers he had married me for different, less noble reasons. He told me I was his whole life, and he lied.
I wonder if he ever figured out why it was that I hated him so much now? I wonder if he ever understood why my heart broke into a million pieces every time I laid eyes on him. I wonder if he knew all of the stories that I was aware of. I wonder if he knows....
He was once my prince charming, or so I thought. It turns out he was a magician. All he was good for was stealing my heart, stealing my life, crashing my world apart, and turning his back on me. All he was good for, was pain. I wanted so badly to let him know how I felt, but all it ever did was create an argument. I wouldn't allow that anymore. I wouldn't waste anymore of my voice or tears on pointless fights. No. I couldn't do that to myself anymore. He always had to be right. I could cry until I was blue in the face, repeating with facts reasons he was wrong, but he never believed it. I am always the bad guy.
I remember a time where things were amazing. Our first night together was spent in an old blue victorian house. The heat was off, and we didn't have enough money to turn it on. We slept together on the floor that night, holding each other tighter than I'd ever been held, and tighter than I'd ever held anyone. It was forty degrees out that night, and thirty in the house. We had no blankets. All we had was each other, and a few winter jackets. That was all we needed. In that moment, all I ever wanted was to be held safely in his arms forever.
Unfortunately, time passes...years go on, time marches forward, and things change. More than things changing, people change. The man I once loved, no longer was in my life. I wish I knew where he went. I wish I could find the man who let me lie in his lap watching horrible movies while he played with my hair. I wish I could find the man who snuggled with me every night even though it made him hot and sweaty. I wish I could find the man who held my hand in public and showed me off to his friends. I wish I knew where that man was. I wish I was still his top priority, but I'm not. Other things have come into his life, things more important than I, Things he will deny.
He doesn't love me. He wants to believe he loves me because he wants to be heroic. He wants to be the knight in shining armor, who rushed in on his trusty white horse to save the damsel in distress. He wants to believe that I am indebted to him for that. He wants to believe that our love is genuine and real, but it isn't. I will love that man until the day I die. I will love that man with every ounce of my being for as long as time allows. I have proved myself time and again through the multiple scandals, lies, and affairs. None of that matters to him. All he cares about is his own success and happiness.
Where has my love gone? And what am I to do now that I am stuck here all alone? I don't know the girl that I'm supposed to be now. Someone save me.
That's all I kept thinking to myself over and over again. I wanted to leave, and he wanted me gone. So why was it that every time one of us tried to go, the other would fold? Do we love each other, or do we just fear being alone? Do we want to be together, or do we just want a warm body next to us at night? Will we ever know?
I wish I could remember now, the reasons that I married him. I wish I could recall that special look I gave him, the one from when we were in love I wish I had known that this whirlwind romance would end on a sour note, and we would both be trapped. Too proud to say goodbye, too bitter to work it out. This is what I always feared would happen.
My friends all tell me I can do better than him. They all told me that he wouldn't change, he wouldn't grow up, he wouldn't put my needs first. They were right. But, they never knew him the way I did. They never saw the man behind the mask. They never held him close as he cried the day he lost his job and his father on the same day. They never looked into those deep brown eyes and saw the sorrow that I saw. They never saw how much he needed me there for him. They never saw.
He was everything to me at one point in time. He was the only man alive who could make me smile. He was the only person who made me laugh so hard, I couldn't breathe. He was the only person who referred to my hysterical laugh as "choking a clown." He was the only one.
He showed me off to all of his friends in public, but in private he wouldn't touch me. He told me how much he loved me every day, but told his friends and co-workers he had married me for different, less noble reasons. He told me I was his whole life, and he lied.
I wonder if he ever figured out why it was that I hated him so much now? I wonder if he ever understood why my heart broke into a million pieces every time I laid eyes on him. I wonder if he knew all of the stories that I was aware of. I wonder if he knows....
He was once my prince charming, or so I thought. It turns out he was a magician. All he was good for was stealing my heart, stealing my life, crashing my world apart, and turning his back on me. All he was good for, was pain. I wanted so badly to let him know how I felt, but all it ever did was create an argument. I wouldn't allow that anymore. I wouldn't waste anymore of my voice or tears on pointless fights. No. I couldn't do that to myself anymore. He always had to be right. I could cry until I was blue in the face, repeating with facts reasons he was wrong, but he never believed it. I am always the bad guy.
I remember a time where things were amazing. Our first night together was spent in an old blue victorian house. The heat was off, and we didn't have enough money to turn it on. We slept together on the floor that night, holding each other tighter than I'd ever been held, and tighter than I'd ever held anyone. It was forty degrees out that night, and thirty in the house. We had no blankets. All we had was each other, and a few winter jackets. That was all we needed. In that moment, all I ever wanted was to be held safely in his arms forever.
Unfortunately, time passes...years go on, time marches forward, and things change. More than things changing, people change. The man I once loved, no longer was in my life. I wish I knew where he went. I wish I could find the man who let me lie in his lap watching horrible movies while he played with my hair. I wish I could find the man who snuggled with me every night even though it made him hot and sweaty. I wish I could find the man who held my hand in public and showed me off to his friends. I wish I knew where that man was. I wish I was still his top priority, but I'm not. Other things have come into his life, things more important than I, Things he will deny.
He doesn't love me. He wants to believe he loves me because he wants to be heroic. He wants to be the knight in shining armor, who rushed in on his trusty white horse to save the damsel in distress. He wants to believe that I am indebted to him for that. He wants to believe that our love is genuine and real, but it isn't. I will love that man until the day I die. I will love that man with every ounce of my being for as long as time allows. I have proved myself time and again through the multiple scandals, lies, and affairs. None of that matters to him. All he cares about is his own success and happiness.
Where has my love gone? And what am I to do now that I am stuck here all alone? I don't know the girl that I'm supposed to be now. Someone save me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Divorce Diaries
The Divorce Diaries
Entry One: August 5th
"That does it, I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. You think you own me? You think I'm always going to be around? Well you're fucking wrong!"
Those were the last words I said to him. He left my house that night in a daze. He didn't understand how I could be so angry with him. What did he expect? I found out that he was only with me for my money. I found out he had a whore on the side. I found out...everything.
Of course, I couldn't tell him that. He didn't need to know what I knew. I didn't want to look like a pathetic, weak little girl. No, not this time. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of tearing me down again. No, never again in fact. He didn't need to hear that I had hired a private detective to track his every move. He didn't even need to hear that I had saved thousands of dollars behind his back just to leave him. No, none of that mattered now. All that mattered is that I was finally done. Eight agonizing years later, I was done.
I changed my locks, and broke a damn nail doing it. I decided to give up and I sat at the kitchen table. I looked at my broken nails and decided to bite them off. I hadn't done that in years. I always had to look amazing. It was expected. My nails were done twice a week, along with my hair, and tan. Even my natural brunette hair had been bleached blonde one time too many. Who the hell was I anymore? I lit a cigarette and took a long drag. I couldn't stop questioning myself. I was the one with the money. I had the power to leave. Why did I let him treat me that way?
I sat there remembering every time he came in late smelling like perfume, and for some god only knows reason my mind began drifting off to the happier times. What the hell was I doing? I was trying to justify why I loved him! I couldn't believe I had let myself become so pitiful. Sure, we had great times but, as it turned out he was having good times with a lot of women. I pushed that thought from my head, got up and poured myself some coffee. I was single now. He was gone. Sure, there was paperwork to be done, but the lawyers could deal with all that shit. I was over it.
As I walked past the mirror in the hallway, I glanced at my reflection. I saw a broken woman. I didn't look strong. I didn't look in control. My bleach blonde hair looked fried and straw like, and you could see it through the curls. My brown eyes were nearly black from the tears I had cried. I hated to admit that I cried. My make up was smeared across my entire face, and my teeth were tinged yellow from the chain smoking. It was time to take care of myself again. I wiped the mascara from under my eyes, put my chin up, and ran into the bathroom.
It was my time now. I couldn't wait. My anguish turned to sudden excitement. I was young! I could date again. I had a second chance. I had the one thing that so many others wished they had. I hit the play button on my ipod dock and began dancing around to all of my favorite songs as I stripped naked. Today was a new day. It was my day! I was ready to wash Micky out of my hair, and out of my life.
Feeling refreshed I walked to my closet. All I could see were dresses, mini skirts, and high heels. I cringed at the idea of putting another dress on. I hated dresses. Sure, I had worn them for the past eight years, but I never wanted to be that girl. No, It was time to shed that image. I walked to the back of my closet where the armoire was hiding. I took a moment to savor it. I hadn't opened this armoire in years. I wasn't even sure that the clothing in it would still fit. Was it wearable? Had it been ruined by years of neglect?
My questions were answered as I opened the doors. I looked down, and staring back at me were my black converse! My entire old wardrobe was inside of this one armoire. I took a moment to drink in how far I had come from those days, and then I pulled out my favorite outfit. I took the converse downstairs, sat on the floor, and laced them up. I couldn't believe how good they still felt. They were familiar. They were comfortable. They were the same trusty tennis shoes that got me through so many hardships before.
I strutted out of the house with my final destination in mind. My shiny red convertible sat there staring at me from the driveway, but I walked right past her. No, today was not a convertible day. Today was the day I was starting over. I got into the cab and went downtown.
As I sat in the backseat listening to the silence, I couldn't help but notice the scenery. I had lived in this city for eight years, but I had never noticed the beauty. Everywhere I looked there were palm trees, white sandy beaches, and children playing. It was all so serene, so beautiful. It felt like the first time my eyes had ever been opened. I began to daydream about running on the beach. I wanted to sit there with my toes in the sand every night at sun down. I could do that now. I could play my guitar on the beach. I could write my music. Hell, at 27 years old, I was still considered young enough to break into the record industry.
Just then the cab driver slammed on his breaks. My head slamming into the side of the window was enough to bring me back to reality. He looked at me and told me my total. My ears were ringing from the sudden stop, so I never did hear what he said. I just handed him my credit card, waited for him to swipe it, and I got out of the cab. My favorite converse sneaker hit the pavement on the curb, and I was ready.
Jon Luke was always my favorite hair dresser. I had known him for years. I knew him before I was ever Mrs. Micky Deluka. I knew him before my long, curly brown hair was ever that nasty bleach blonde. I knew him when I was a fresh faced 18 year old, who had moved to Florida looking for fame and fortune. Back when I still knew who I was. Back before I was jaded.
"Oh. My. God. Could that be my favorite little diva?"
-"Yes, Jon Luke. It's been ages. I've missed you." Is what I heard myself say.
He squealed with delight, as he proceeded to ask me what I was doing there. So I went into the whole long, boring story about Mickey's demise. Jon Luke seemed relieved.
"Honey, you were always too good for that jackass anyways." He said with just a little attitude.
-"I know, I know. I just was so in love..." I stopped myself there, "No, you know what? You're right. Fuck that asshole! Let's get down to business. I want this fucking blonde OUT of my hair." I emphasized angrily.
Jon Luke ran off to get his supplies. He was so proud that I had come to him for my reinvention. I was disappointed in myself for having dropped our friendship like so many others. He had always been there for me, just as he was now. I took a deep breath, looked at my reflection, and asked myself out loud..."Are you ready for this?"
Before I had time to answer my own question, Jon Luke showed up with his tools. He could always work wonders with even the ugliest of women. I didn't know from experience, but I had seen his portfolio. I knew what he was capable of. We chatted for hours as he did my hair, like old friends should. We caught up on everything that had gone on the past few years. When I told him about Mickey, he asked me if I wanted him dead. I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not....
"No Jon, I don't want him dead. I want him to live and suffer. I want him to know the best thing he ever had is gone. I want him to know that I'm happy without him."
Jon Luke smiled and nodded as if he knew exactly what I meant. It was the truth. I was everything a wife should have been. I changed my entire life for my husband. I cooked his dinner every night, I let him go out with the boys and didn't protest, I cleaned the house every day, and when we found out he was sterile, I agreed to give up the children I had always longed for. I did it all for him. But now... now I didn't have to worry.
I secretly scolded myself for thinking about him again. I kept seeing his name cross my mind. I kept thinking of those bright green eyes, the messy brown hair, and those sweet, soft, kissable lips. Why couldn't I stop? Why did I have to keep thinking about him? I was young and in love when we met. I was naive and believed everything he told me. As much as I wanted to hate him, I just couldn't forget the past eight years. But by god, I was trying...
After Jon Luke had finished with me, I turned to stare at my reflection. Tears sprang to my eyes, as for the first time in eight years, I really recognized the girl staring back at me. My curly hair was once again a beautiful brunette. My brown eyes glistened with hope, and this time there was no makeup on my face to be smeared. No, this was who I was.
Those old worn converse, the faded blue jeans, and my favorite band tee. This is who I was. This is who I had always been. I was comfortable. I was recognizable. I was me.
...I was me.
(To Be Continued...)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I need help...
I want to write a story, a book, take a picture, write a poem, edit, or do one of the various things I used to do, but I'm stuck. Also, that was a very long sentence. I need to become unblocked. :(
Any suggestions?
Any suggestions?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Absolutely Random...
Music is my sanity. It is the one constant in my life, even though my tastes are ever changing. No matter what mood I'm in, there's a song to fit. No matter what song I'm listening to, my mood transforms to fit. I think that I could spend the rest of my life without a book, movie, or television as long as I always had my music.
Music has always spoken to me. I can read beneath the words, and feel the lyrics. I get goosebumps if a song touches me, and I have been known to cry at many sappy country songs. (Be quiet, I can see you rolling your eyes and laughing at me!) I find that I have a wide variety of tastes from rap/country/alternative/pop etc. If there's a song you want me to hear, then I'll always give it a try. As long as you're willing to do the same for me, and give my music a shot. In fact, Right NOW I want you to go to Itunes (or whatever you use) and download the following songs/artists. You don't have to like or love them, but just give them a go....ready?
Music/Artists To Download/Buy:
1.) Augustana-Boston
2.) Bleed-Cold
3.) Need You Now-Lady Antebellum
4.) If You Only Knew-ShineDown
5.) Deep Inside Of You-Third Eye Blind
6.) Swing Life Away-Rise Against
7.) I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
8.) Give Me Your Eyes-Brandon Heath
9.) New Soul-Yael Naim
10.) Sleepless Nights-Faber Drive
11.) Remembering Sunday-All Time Low
12.) Practice Makes Perfect-Cute Is What We Aim For
13.) Stolen-Dashboard Confessional
14.) I Get Off-Halestorm
15.) If I Close My Eyes Forever-Ozzy Osbourne ft/Lita Ford
16.) Arizona-Hey Monday
17.) The Reason-Hoobastank
18.) Can't Let Go-Landon Pigg
19.) Whoever She Is-The Maine
20.) You Be The Anchor-MayDay Parade
21.) Anywhere But Here-MayDay Parade
22.) Over The Years-NeverShoutNever!
23.) According To You-Orianthi
24.) Saltwater Room-Owl City
25.) Vanilla Twilight- Owl City
Now, these are mostly songs I've been listening to tonight, so there is obviously a theme in the type of song. I hope you listen and enjoy them. I will be posting more later in this blog. Feel free to send me suggestions. I listen to everything except polka/jazz/elevator music. I just am an avid lover of music is all. I thought I would share my passion with you.
The other thing I'm passionate about is photography. I'm not great at it, but I do give it my best shot. Some day I hope to open a studio, or even do freelance work. For now, I just have my Rebel to take fabulous shots of my sweet baby girl. We'll see what life has in store for me. We'll see what the cards hold. For now, I'm just living life, writing blogs, hanging out, and enjoying life.
Let's see where life takes me next.
Sarah V.
Music has always spoken to me. I can read beneath the words, and feel the lyrics. I get goosebumps if a song touches me, and I have been known to cry at many sappy country songs. (Be quiet, I can see you rolling your eyes and laughing at me!) I find that I have a wide variety of tastes from rap/country/alternative/pop etc. If there's a song you want me to hear, then I'll always give it a try. As long as you're willing to do the same for me, and give my music a shot. In fact, Right NOW I want you to go to Itunes (or whatever you use) and download the following songs/artists. You don't have to like or love them, but just give them a go....ready?
Music/Artists To Download/Buy:
1.) Augustana-Boston
2.) Bleed-Cold
3.) Need You Now-Lady Antebellum
4.) If You Only Knew-ShineDown
5.) Deep Inside Of You-Third Eye Blind
6.) Swing Life Away-Rise Against
7.) I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
8.) Give Me Your Eyes-Brandon Heath
9.) New Soul-Yael Naim
10.) Sleepless Nights-Faber Drive
11.) Remembering Sunday-All Time Low
12.) Practice Makes Perfect-Cute Is What We Aim For
13.) Stolen-Dashboard Confessional
14.) I Get Off-Halestorm
15.) If I Close My Eyes Forever-Ozzy Osbourne ft/Lita Ford
16.) Arizona-Hey Monday
17.) The Reason-Hoobastank
18.) Can't Let Go-Landon Pigg
19.) Whoever She Is-The Maine
20.) You Be The Anchor-MayDay Parade
21.) Anywhere But Here-MayDay Parade
22.) Over The Years-NeverShoutNever!
23.) According To You-Orianthi
24.) Saltwater Room-Owl City
25.) Vanilla Twilight- Owl City
Now, these are mostly songs I've been listening to tonight, so there is obviously a theme in the type of song. I hope you listen and enjoy them. I will be posting more later in this blog. Feel free to send me suggestions. I listen to everything except polka/jazz/elevator music. I just am an avid lover of music is all. I thought I would share my passion with you.
The other thing I'm passionate about is photography. I'm not great at it, but I do give it my best shot. Some day I hope to open a studio, or even do freelance work. For now, I just have my Rebel to take fabulous shots of my sweet baby girl. We'll see what life has in store for me. We'll see what the cards hold. For now, I'm just living life, writing blogs, hanging out, and enjoying life.
Let's see where life takes me next.
Sarah V.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Before/After.
This was after our wedding in September 2008. Yes, I was pregnant
the day we got married. I gave birth about 3 weeks later.
This is my biggest weight, and I was 262 lbs.
=======================================
September 2009
9/7/09.
This was after I'd lost all my baby weight. I was back
down to about 197 pounds. I was even wearing pre-baby jeans
in this picture. However, I did it the unhealthy way and gained
it all back pretty quickly.
=======================================
Today:
I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way too.
I am only 4 pounds more than pre baby. I just have to tone a lot of areas.
I am still looking to lose 15-20 more pounds.
This is going to be a long journey.
It will also be worth it.
:)
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Return Of Beauty...
A new year has begun, and like so many years before I promised myself that I too would become new. I am aiming to be a new person, or a better version of myself if you will. I am finding that while I used to feel like such an amazing person, I have spent the past 5 years turning into a cynic. I used to find the simplest beauty in people, in the world, and in everything around me. Now, All I see is fear, dissatisfaction, and anger. I want so much for that wide eyed version of myself to reappear. I want the girl I was in the past to tell the girl I am today that it's alright to have faith in humanity. I want to know that I shouldn't fear the unknown, but rather embrace it. Well, I suppose since I'm writing the words that I'm already aware.
I hate that I can't be who I was. I hate that I've grown into something other than what I had ever imagined for myself. I love my life as a mother. I love my life as a wife. I just don't love the situations that I'm in right now. I miss my family, my friends, and the future I once saw for myself. I miss driving around aimlessly and stumbling upon some beautiful mess that I could photograph. I miss sitting at the riverside staring off into the distance, resting there with no one but myself and my own thoughts. I miss knowing that if ever I needed something, my mother was just a phone call away. Life never turns out exactly as you plan it.
I live in a new town, in a state that after 2 years I'm still unfamiliar with. I spend my days home alone with my daughter. I once felt safe walking down the streets of my old familiar home town, and now I fear leaving the house. I once felt safe in the darkest hours of the night, in the worst town in the Midwest...and yet, I feel unsafe in this suburb because of a recent break in to my car.
Once I became a mother, a whole new world opened up. Usually, when you hear a woman say that, she speaks of only the good in her new world. However, with a new world, comes a darker side as well. You can't help but wonder anymore who to trust. You can't help but flash back to every disturbing episode of crime drama television you've ever seen, and wonder if the woman jogging on the opposite side of the street is going to hurt you or not. Worst of all, you lose all trust in humanity. It's a woman's instinct to protect her child, and for me that means I trust no one. It makes for a lonely life.
I want only the best for my daughter, but how can I look her in the face one day and tell her that I want her to be everything I wasn't? How can I tell her that she can do anything she sets her mind to, if I couldn't? How can I look at her bright hazel eyes and promise her the world, when I myself am too afraid to go live in it? The answer: I can't.
One day, all of this will make sense. One day, my entire world will open up as if I were hiding behind a large golden gate in some naive world. I will rub my eyes, and the world will cease to be an ugly place. Once again, beauty will replace all of the wrongs in my eyes. Once again, the sun will shine over the mountains, the snow will melt, the flowers will bloom, the grass will be glistening with morning dew, and my daughter will be running outside, laughing, playing, and trusting the world that I no longer deem trustable.
Friends, I won't lie to you. I long for that day. It's a terrible feeling to know that while you have one of life's greatest miracles, a child, you can't even enjoy yourself because you are too busy second guessing life. I long for that return of beauty.
I hate that I can't be who I was. I hate that I've grown into something other than what I had ever imagined for myself. I love my life as a mother. I love my life as a wife. I just don't love the situations that I'm in right now. I miss my family, my friends, and the future I once saw for myself. I miss driving around aimlessly and stumbling upon some beautiful mess that I could photograph. I miss sitting at the riverside staring off into the distance, resting there with no one but myself and my own thoughts. I miss knowing that if ever I needed something, my mother was just a phone call away. Life never turns out exactly as you plan it.
I live in a new town, in a state that after 2 years I'm still unfamiliar with. I spend my days home alone with my daughter. I once felt safe walking down the streets of my old familiar home town, and now I fear leaving the house. I once felt safe in the darkest hours of the night, in the worst town in the Midwest...and yet, I feel unsafe in this suburb because of a recent break in to my car.
Once I became a mother, a whole new world opened up. Usually, when you hear a woman say that, she speaks of only the good in her new world. However, with a new world, comes a darker side as well. You can't help but wonder anymore who to trust. You can't help but flash back to every disturbing episode of crime drama television you've ever seen, and wonder if the woman jogging on the opposite side of the street is going to hurt you or not. Worst of all, you lose all trust in humanity. It's a woman's instinct to protect her child, and for me that means I trust no one. It makes for a lonely life.
I want only the best for my daughter, but how can I look her in the face one day and tell her that I want her to be everything I wasn't? How can I tell her that she can do anything she sets her mind to, if I couldn't? How can I look at her bright hazel eyes and promise her the world, when I myself am too afraid to go live in it? The answer: I can't.
One day, all of this will make sense. One day, my entire world will open up as if I were hiding behind a large golden gate in some naive world. I will rub my eyes, and the world will cease to be an ugly place. Once again, beauty will replace all of the wrongs in my eyes. Once again, the sun will shine over the mountains, the snow will melt, the flowers will bloom, the grass will be glistening with morning dew, and my daughter will be running outside, laughing, playing, and trusting the world that I no longer deem trustable.
Friends, I won't lie to you. I long for that day. It's a terrible feeling to know that while you have one of life's greatest miracles, a child, you can't even enjoy yourself because you are too busy second guessing life. I long for that return of beauty.
Things that make me happy
This is already posted at Embracing Change, so if you follow there you've already seen it.
I think I am going to try something new today. Every Friday I'm going to blog about something that makes me happy. I have been struggling with the weight loss, calorie counting, and the guilt associated with weight loss all week. So, today I will write a happy blog. This kind of goes along with Brooke's blog, but I had been thinking of doing something similar for a little while. I guess great minds thing alike.
I will warn you that this is going to be a photo blog! If you don't want your photo up, let me know and I will remove it.
MY BABY GIRL
The first thing that makes me happy is obviously my baby girl. She is getting so big, and growing so fast that it's scary. She has learned how to do things that I could have never imagined her doing so young. (16 months old, and already standing on chairs!) She just makes my whole day brighter. I mean, look at that smile. She is the happiest baby I've ever met. <3
FAMILY
My family is the 2nd thing that makes me happy. The baby was cranky in the first photo, but it's the only recent picture of all 3 of us. We are just so adorable together. Don't you agree? Plus, I love that dorky lookin guy.The rest of the pictures include myself, my mother, my grandfather, my niece, and both little brothers.
FRIENDS
Didn't we look so innocent? :)
Quinn and Harliegh
FRIENDS. Friends make me happy. Friends make everyone happy. It had been a long time since I'd seen any of my friends, and I got to see a few this week. I still miss all of you Iowans though! <3
MY NIECE TAYLYNN
This is my beautiful niece TayLynn. She is now 3 years old. Our family doesn't get to see her much, but we all love her very much. She is my brothers only child, and I hope that when I'm in town again I get to see her. She loves her cousin Emma. <3
PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!
It's kind of a big deal to me.
Momma and her baby (Canon Rebel XSi)
PICTURES I'VE TAKEN:
(Above) Doliver park: Iowa: 2007
MUSIC:
All time low
Augustana
Automatic Loveletter
Boys Like Girls
Cute is what we aim for
Framing Hanley
Faber Drive
Owl City
Owl City
Forever The Sickest Kids
The Fray
HelloGoodbye
Hey Monday
Hit The Lights
Korn
The Maine
Mayday Parade
NEVERSHOUTNEVER!
Orianthi
The Petit Project
Plain White T's
Quietdrive
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Relient K
The Scene Aesthetic
Shinedown
Staind
Taking Back Sunday
This Providence
White Tie Affair
and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on...
WEBSITES:
(Shane Dawson is my favorite youtuber)
This is Shane Dawson.
Photo from this link.
And those are the things that make me happy.
(And all of your blogs of course)
(And all of your blogs of course)
Peace, Love, and Random Friday Blogging
Sarah V.