Time For A Reality Check...

Okay, so I am here once again to vent. If you haven't been here before, then I should tell you that I just write randomly. So, today's topic of conversation is:

LINGERIE MODELS

So, for anyone who doesn't know me, I will let you all in on a little bitty secret....I'm pretty opinionated. Maybe that's not such a secret after all. Now, hear me out before you roll your eyes at "yet another weight related blog." Just sit down, eat some popcorn, and read what I have to say. You don't have to agree with it, but if you didn't want random blogging, well, what the heck did you come here for?

RaNdOm PoIntLeSs NuMbErS:

At the age of 15, I could fit into a teeny, tiny size 6. Yes me, in a size 6. Amazing!!

At the age of 16, I gained 30+ pounds. My size 6, suddenly went to a size 12/14. I found this perfectly acceptable at the time. I still looked pretty good considering I was just over 160 lbs.

At the age of 19, I lost a bunch of weight and was back into a size 11. Hooray for me. Right?

At the age of 21, I weighed 195 lbs. I stood 5 foot, eleven inches tall. I wore a size 40DD. And, I was in a size 14 for good.

And now, finally......where I am today.

I am a size 14/16 but I prefer a size 16 so that I can pull my jeans up 'mom style' to help camo the gut. I weigh 199 pounds, and I am a 40DDD/F bra size. I am no where near as happy with my body as I once was, but I know that if I were to ever become a size 6 again, I would look scary ill. 

Now that all of those random pointless numbers have been shoved into your head, let me give you a visual.

This woman is a 'supposed' size 6. Imagine, if she's a size 6 what a size zero might look like. I'm not saying their arent HEALTHY people who are naturally that small, but some of these people are not meant to be this small. Keep reading, just keep reading.

Now, here we have the other end of the spectrum. This woman is a US size 16. Do I look like her? No. Do I look like the size six model? No. So what am I here to bitch about? Well, I'll tell you what. While I may  not have the "fit fat" shape that the size 16 model does, I do have very similar measurements. I have recently begun trying to love my own body regardless of it's size. I know that I'm a happy, healthy mother. I know that I have a husband who loves me, friends who love me, and I know that I'm no stranger to the occasional flirt from a random passer by. Now, if all of those people can look past my size 14/16 jeans, why can't I?

Today, I went online to look at some sexy lingerie for myself. I haven't felt good about myself in a long time, and hey-I'm only human. Once in a while we all want to look beautiful. After all, I AM a woman. So, I searched the internet for a while trying to find the best quality and the best buys. I found a few awesome plus sized lingerie stores (I'm considered a 1X thanks to my large chest) but their lingerie is $50 and up. Now, I don't mind paying that once in a while, but I was wanting to buy one or two pieces this time so I kept shopping.

Just as I was about to give up, I was reminded of Fredericks Of Hollywood. I had been told by several people that they carried "plus size" lingerie, and "plus size" bras. Why not check it out for myself? Why not go there and see what they had to offer. I went to their website where I was immediately greeting by the smiling face of a size two model. "Ugh," I said to myself in disgust, "I can't imagine looking like that, and yet I want to." ....No, no, no. I should slap myself for thinking like that. I'm a bigger girl and I need to learn to be okay with that. I will NEVER be a size six again. Just, move on. So, I did.

I took a deep breath, and I clicked the little marking that read "Plus Sizes."  Now, since I'm new to the whole "plus size" scene, I thought that it would be nice and refreshing to see women MY size wearing these clothes. I wanted to know how the outfits would look on a girl my size. I wanted to see a woman with a big chest, little waist, and huge hips. Do you want to know what I was greeted with? Well-do you? 

IT WAS THE SAME FUCKING MODEL FROM THE MAIN PAGE. 

What? Fredericks Of Hollywood, are you too cheap to splurge on a plus size model? It only takes ONE. Are you too afraid she might eat a cupcake on your watch? Do you realize the damage your doing to your own business when girls like myself can't even IMAGINE buying clothes from you, because you discriminate against us. Sure, it may be unintentional but then again, who's to say it isn't? I'm just amazingly agitated that people I know, people I'm friends with, and people who are my size and several, several sizes larger can shop at this store problem free.

Now, I will say that if we had an actual store around where I could go check things out, try things on, see them in person, talk to a sales rep, or a manager....well then, things might be different. But not unlike so many others, I shop online for a reason. Do I have the ability to go to the mall whenever I feel like it? NO, I don't. Do I have the ability to take a day for myself to try on clothes until I find something that fits me like a glove? NO, I don't. I'm a stay at home mother, and we are currently surviving on one family car. A barf green kia rio...and it's my husbands car. 

Now, with all of that being said...how many women out there are in their mid twenties, with children, and still wearing a size zero. How many of you hot mamas get to go to the mall, alone, kid free, husband or boyfree free, and just spend all day trying on clothes that absolutely fit you? How many of you can pick up a pair of jeans off a rack, and then another of a totally different style and still fit into them? How many? If you're one of these ladies, I must say that you are either one lucky beyotch, or you worked your ASS OFF for the bod you've got. If that's the case, then kudos to you pretty lady.

So, that's my rant for the day. I wanted to buy some sexy outfits to wear. I wanted to feel pretty in my lacy lingerie with my sexy heels, and I wanted to know that there were still some people out there who didn't look at plus sized people with shame and disappointment. I mean after all, America is the fattest country in the nation. We survive off of fast food, junk food, processed food. We spend all of our money frivolously, and I hate to break it to you but the "plus sized" people are taking over this country. Now, if you have an insult to throw my way. If you think that I need to eat less, workout more, and lay off the carbs, then I've got news for you. I have spent every day of my life fighting a battle with my weight. I have monitored every calorie going in, and every calorie burned. I have starved myself, taken weight loss pills, jammed the handle of my toothbrush down my throat to vomit, taken diet pills while starving myself, and worked out to the point of exhaustion. So trust me, I have tried every quick fix. I have tried every remedy. I have been up and down, up and down, up.......and down, again and again. I have tried my best to fight the battle of the bulge, and the bulge has won. 

I am now taking matters into my own hands. I am working out, I am dieting, and I am eating healthy foods. I don't eat a lot of junk, I don't drink my favorite soda, and I am honestly trying to make a life style change. The hardest part of ALL OF THIS.....well, the hardest part isn't losing the weight. The hardest part is learning to accept that my body isn't now, nor will it ever be, the same as it was before all of this. I took a nine month journey. I watched my body bend, stretch, wriggle, and jiggle in ways I never knew imaginable. I lost sixty pounds in nine months and watched my stomach deflate like an old beach ball. I have done what I'm supposed to do, and all that's left now is for me to continue to live a healthier lifestyle, hope that my body appreciates it and shows me a little gratitude, and for me to learn to love myself exactly the way I am......regardless of what anyone else says.

Peace, Love, and Ranting.

Sarah V.

P.s. SHAME ON YOU FREDERICKS OF HOLLYWOOD.

SHAME. ON. YOU.

Dear Hotel Industry Of America...

Why do you all only have outdoor pools? I thought it was common for pools to be inside. We dont live in a place where it's warm all year around, so your logic is flawed. I was looking forward to swimming next week with my daughter, and only 3 hotels have indoor pools. Ironically, these are the 3 hotels owned by the very man who fired my husband unjustly due to his race, and then replaced him with someone of his OWN race who was also a relative. (Indian.) My husband refuses to give business to the people who put him out of work illegally, which is fine. I am just saddened that I won't get to swim.

On the plus side, no one will see my in a bathing suit for a few more months. That gives me a little time. I looked in the mirror after my shower today, and started to feel terrible about myself. While Im losing weight and inches, my stomach is looking bigger and bigger! I'm not sure how or why, but it's true. I think it looks more deflated now, and therefore bigger as the skin sags more. I am working out on my elliptical but I just can't get rid of this damn mom belly. I am so mad about this. I wish I could just do lipo, sigh.... Wouldn't that be great?

Anyways-that was my random blog/rant of the day.

Peace and Love
Sarah V.

Top Twelve.

Here is a list of all my favorite websites. I hope that you visit them, enjoy them, are slightly disturbed by them, and find an interest in them. That is, after all, why they are my favorites.

1.) Facebook
I live on facebook. There is rarely a moment I'm not online. If I don't have my computer nearby, I am on with my DSi, or my EnV touch. I love technology. [If you want to add me, please be sure to include in your request that you read my blog.]

2.) FML
I always get such a kick out of this website. It's totally random and it makes me giggle. If I'm having a particularly crappy day, this site makes me feel less awkward about myself.


3.) MLIA
My life is average. Yes, it is. These posts are also very average, and yet entertaining. Enjoy it. I know I do.

4.) PEREZ!!
If you want random, pointless, hollywood gossip then Perez is the guy to go to. He is open, honest, and downright hilarious at times. I love his style, his blog, and his attitude. He's just so much fun.

5.) DLISTED
Dlisted is like the ghetto version of Perez. I love it. Dlisted is run by an openly gay man named Michael. He somehow demoralizes himself in almost every blog he writes. He is vulgar, nasty, and entertaining. I especially love the "blind items" and "caption this contests."

6.) POSTSECRET
I stumbled upon the postsecret website years ago by mistake. I think it was because of the all american rejects music video, or my roommate. Either way, it was unintentional. Since I found the site years ago, I now check it every Sunday. I am touched by the secrets these people send in, and almost all of them feel like they could be my secret as well. I love feeling so connected to humanity.

7.) NETFLIX
Without Netflix instant que on Xbox, I think I would go insane. I spent the last six months without cable, and my instant que was a lifesaver. I love instant play. I watch all of my sitcom favorites in crystal clear picture. It's awesome.

8.) NINJAVIDEO
Ninjavideo is the best video watching site around. If there's a television show you missed, ninja it. If there's a dvd out you've been wanting to see, NINJA IT. If you have no idea what I'm talking about.......Ninja it.

9.) DeviantArt
DeviantArt is a site for budding artists and established artists alike. It's my favorite art sharing site of all time.

10.) Pathetic.org
Pathetic.org is a poetry sharing site. You can write poetry, short stories, or whatever else you want and post it here. I was recently honored with having my poem featured as "poem of the day," out of thousands of poems on their site. If you would like to see the poem that was featured please click here.

11.) Textsfromlastnight
BEST. WEBSITE. EVER.
Go there now.

12.) BLOGGER
Obviously, I had to feature blogger. Not just for the sake of my blog, but for the sake of all the other blogs I read including:

www.skinnyquinny.blogspot.com
www.littlepiggetsskinny.blogspot.com
www.brookenotonadiet.blogspot.com
http://www.suburbansavingmama.com
http://exyoyodieter.blogspot.com
http://asimmons2468.blogspot.com
http://christyimagined.blogspot.com
http://chadbauer.blogspot.com
 

Who Is Cyanide?

Hey there blog readers. I'm glad you stopped by. I thought that since I had such a fun time writing my weight loss blog, that I would also write a more personal blog so that we could get to know one another. I'm not sure what this blog will entail particularly, so stay tuned for all sorts of fun, random, off the wall, serious, depressing, and occasionally morbid posts!

Since this is my FIRST BLOG POST on my new blog, I should probably tell you all a little bit about myself. If you don't know who I am, then buckle your seat belts, because you're in for a bumpy ride. Or...just hold on to your hats. Either way.........*Makes Whooshing Sound* Annnnnnnnnnd, we're off.

 

So, here I am. This is me. Hi. How are ya? 

My name is Sarah, but my SN on most sites is "CyanideSarah." I'm sure you read my name and thought that it sounded emo. Who would want their name to be associated with poison? You wonder...Well, obviously this girl. No-actually, all that began as an xbox gamer tag. (hint: if you have xbox 360, that's my gamertag.) From there, I just began using it more and more on the internet until it stuck. Hence why this blog is listed under......yep, you guessed it http://cyanidestory.blogspot.com. Funny how that works out huh? Okay, enough with the small talk. Let's get down to business.

As I began saying before, my name is Sarah. I am a soon-to-be twenty four year old, and I am a stay at home mom. It's so weird to categorize myself in with the "twenty something" crowd, because I feel like I should have just turned twenty-one. Unfortunately for me, that was a few years ago! It's okay though, I'm learning how to live life. 

My days are spent with a few of my favorite things::

1.) My family

2.) My camera

3.) My computer

Let me tell you a little bit about all 3.

[Number One-The Family:]
Well, number one is easy. I love my family. My hubby "Mr. V" and my baby girl are my whole world. I couldn't imagine a day without either of them. I spend a lot of time complaining about my husband, but he almost always does something redeem himself. We met online when we were 15 years old. No it wasn't myspace, facebook, twitter, hi-5, xanga, or any other weird random networking site. We met the old fashioned way, in a yahoo chat room. Well, actually that's debatable since neither of us remember exactly where we met on the information highway, but that's the only place we both frequented. With that being the case, I'm sure that's what happened. We spent the next few years talking every day online.

After a while, chatting online just didn't seem like it was enough. By now we had been talking to one another for somewhere around five or six years.  We agreed that we would talk on the phone and see how things flowed. We were both nervous, but our conversations quickly took off. We spent hours and hours on the phone each and every night. We never ran out of things to say, and even though we lived 14 hours apart, we clicked.

A few more years went by and this time talking on the phone was becoming less satisfying. We decided to take the next step. We were going to meet. I was terrified. I'm easily influenced by all forms of media outlet, and I wondered if this was a set up, a trap, an imposter, or a person wanting to harm me. Then, for some reason...all those worries subsided and I just felt that I knew Mr. V too well for that. Just to be safe, my mother gave me the number of a relative who only lived a few miles from where I was goin to visit. She told me if I needed anything, if things got weird, if I felt uncomfortable, if anything out of the ordinary happened...I should call that number. Luckily, I didn't need to.

I spent 2 hours riding to the airport, and just as luck would have it...there was a tornado. I wound up having to SPEND THE NIGHT in the fricking airport, my first time flying by myself as an adult. (And the first flying experience that I even remember in fact.) I wound up sleeping on my backpack in the airport, waiting for morning. My new flight was leaving around six in the morning. This made things awkward because Mr. V had to wait and play it by ear. I spent an hour and a half flying, had a layover for 30 minutes, spent another hour and a half flying, and finally made it to Nashville, TN.

As I got off the plane I realized just how big the Nashville airport was. I felt lost, and I was in a panic. I get anxiety attacks easily, and I could feel one coming on just then. I called Mr. V in a panic and asked him where I needed to go. He told me to go straight and that I would find the exit signs, but just then my phone died. I sat there with my heart racing, wondering what to do. I noticed that the walkways had outlets down the side every few feet. I walked over to a window, sat down on the floor next to the walkway with my things, and plugged in my phone. I sat there for a good ten minutes while poor Mr. V was waiting for me to come out of the gate, but never did. After my phone charged for ten minutes, I walked straight as I had been informed and looked for Mr. V. We had chatted online, video chatted, photo exchanged, and we were also friends on a few of the a fore mentioned social networking sites. I knew what he looked like, but I couldn't shake the mental image of a box around his head from all of the video chatting. We still laugh about that to this day.

When I finally spotted Mr. V, I walked up to him and we said our hellos. We walked to his car and sat in awkward silence for most of the ride. Two hours later, we were at his house. Within hours we were acting like we had known each other for years. We went out together, I met his friends, his family, his dad, and we just were inseparable. He ended up having to work a few of the days that I was visiting, so he just let me lay around his house, rummage through his room, use his computer, sleep in his bed, and he would even bring me home breakfast in bed, or lunch depending on his shift. I couldn't believe how sweet he was. I knew I loved him right then. Unfortunately, a lot of people didn't like that fact.

After my visit, I couldn't imagine life without him. We made plans to move in together, just as soon as I could save enough money to move down. It took a few months, but finally I made my way to Tennessee. He had pawned all of his belongings to get us a duplex. We hardly had anything to our name, but we knew we were in love. We spent the first night in our duplex powerless. It was November and forty degrees outside. We bunched up all of the pillows, blankets, and clothes that we could find into a pile. That pile is where we slept all night huddled up in each others arms. When he got up to go to work, I got up and began making the duplex feel more like a home. Just then, the landlord shows up. He asked me if I slept there the night before, to which I replied "nope, just got up early to come get some work done." He nodded in approval, did what he came to do, and left. I went to the bathroom, glanced at myself in the mirror, and was surprised to find that my lips were blue. I decided that I should probably find a place to hang out until Mr. V got home from work. Luckily the landlord had a cabin next door to our duplex, and he insisted I stay there for the day until the power company could come hook up our heat. I was fine with that idea.

Mr. V and I have been living together since November of 2007. We became an "official" couple in January of 2008. We got pregnant, got married, and had a baby all within that same year. Our first year together, had suddenly become our first year for everything. We were first time roommates, first time lovers, first time husbands and wives, and now first time parents all within the span of 12 months. It was a whirlwind to say the least. But here we are, 2 years later and I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I couldn't imagine a happiness like the one that I feel every time I see my daughter. She is my whole world.


[Number Two-My Camera]

Ah yes, my camera. My camera is my other baby. She is just under 12 months old, and she is one of my true passions. Sure, I may not be the greatest at handling her, but by god I'm learning. I bought my baby (Aka: Canon Rebel XSi) last April just after we got our taxes back. I wanted a camera that was fast enough to take split second photos of my daughter while she did something cute, but once I purchased it my old passion for photography was reawakened.

I have spent the past year taking as many photos as I can, editing them, and sometimes even selling them to friends or giving them away. I'm amazed at how many people believe I take good pictures, since I'm literally new to this world. I am trying to learn new tips and tricks, and I even recently ordered a new book that is supposed to help me hone my skills. I can't wait to see what it has to teach me. I will post some random photography in my blogs as time passes. If you don't like it, then tell me why. If you do, well...erm, still tell me why! I'm excited to hear your feedback.


[Number Three-My Computer]

I love my computer. I guess I probably sound a lot like a tech geek. I guess in a way you could say that. I love to design web pages, I like to learn HTML and CSS, and I enjoy spending my time playing The Sims 3. I browse the web, check my facebook, and google absolutely random knowledge just to kill the time. I love that the world wide web is an instant connection to all of my friends and family back home. It just makes life so much easier. I guess I should have said more about my computer, but really...it's a computer, what's left to say. Oh, her name is Ezra. <3


Well, I know this wasn't really as informative as you might have hoped, but there's always tomorrow...Heck, there might be three posts before you get a chance to read this. In fact, I might just have to make a few new posts later.


Peace, Love, and Random Blogging
Sarah V.