The Divorce Diaries

The Divorce Diaries

Entry One: August 5th

"That does it, I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. You think you own me? You think I'm always going to be around? Well you're fucking wrong!"

Those were the last words I said to him. He left my house that night in a daze. He didn't understand how I could be so angry with him. What did he expect? I found out that he was only with me for my money. I found out he had a whore on the side. I found out...everything.

Of course, I couldn't tell him that. He didn't need to know what I knew. I didn't want to look like a pathetic, weak little girl. No, not this time. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of tearing me down again. No, never again in fact. He didn't need to hear that I had hired a private detective to track his every move. He didn't even need to hear that I had saved thousands of dollars behind his back just to leave him. No, none of that mattered now. All that mattered is that I was finally done. Eight agonizing years later, I was done.

I changed my locks, and broke a damn nail doing it. I decided to give up and I sat at the kitchen table. I looked at my broken nails and decided to bite them off. I hadn't done that in years. I always had to look amazing. It was expected. My nails were done twice a week, along with my hair, and tan. Even my natural brunette hair had been bleached blonde one time too many. Who the hell was I anymore? I lit a cigarette and took a long drag. I couldn't stop questioning myself. I was the one with the money. I had the power to leave. Why did I let him treat me that way?

I sat there remembering every time he came in late smelling like perfume, and for some god only knows reason my mind began drifting off to the happier times. What the hell was I doing? I was trying to justify why I loved him! I couldn't believe I had let myself become so pitiful. Sure, we had great times but, as it turned out he was having good times with a lot of women. I pushed that thought from my head, got up and poured myself some coffee. I was single now. He was gone. Sure, there was paperwork to be done, but the lawyers could deal with all that shit. I was over it.


As I walked past the mirror in the hallway, I glanced at my reflection. I saw a broken woman. I didn't look strong. I didn't look in control. My bleach blonde hair looked fried and straw like, and you could see it through the curls. My brown eyes were nearly black from the tears I had cried. I hated to admit that I cried. My make up was smeared across my entire face, and my teeth were tinged yellow from the chain smoking. It was time to take care of myself again. I wiped the mascara from under my eyes, put my chin up, and ran into the bathroom.

It was my time now. I couldn't wait. My anguish turned to sudden excitement. I was young! I could date again. I had a second chance. I had the one thing that so many others wished they had. I hit the play button on my ipod dock and began dancing around to all of my favorite songs as I stripped naked. Today was a new day. It was my day! I was ready to wash Micky out of my hair, and out of my life.

Feeling refreshed I walked to my closet. All I could see were dresses, mini skirts, and high heels. I cringed at the idea of putting another dress on. I hated dresses. Sure, I had worn them for the past eight years, but I never wanted to be that girl. No, It was time to shed that image. I walked to the back of my closet where the armoire was hiding. I took a moment to savor  it. I hadn't opened this armoire in years. I wasn't even sure that the clothing in it would still fit. Was it wearable? Had it been ruined by years of neglect? 

My questions were answered as I opened the doors. I looked down, and staring back at me were my black converse! My entire old wardrobe was inside of this one armoire. I took a moment to drink in how far I had come from those days, and then I pulled out my favorite outfit. I took the converse downstairs, sat on the floor, and laced them up. I couldn't believe how good they still felt. They were familiar. They were comfortable. They were the same trusty tennis shoes that got me through so many hardships before.

I strutted out of the house with my final destination in mind. My shiny red convertible sat there staring at me from the driveway, but I walked right past her. No, today was not a convertible day. Today was the day I was starting over. I got into the cab and went downtown.

As I sat in the backseat listening to the silence, I couldn't help but notice the scenery. I had lived in this city for eight years, but I had never noticed the beauty. Everywhere I looked there were palm trees, white sandy beaches, and children playing. It was all so serene, so beautiful. It felt like the first time my eyes had ever been opened. I began to daydream about running on the beach. I wanted to sit there with my toes in the sand every night at sun down. I could do that now. I could play my guitar on the beach. I could write my music. Hell, at 27 years old, I was still considered young enough to break into the record industry.

Just then the cab driver slammed on his breaks. My head slamming into the side of the window was enough to bring me back to reality. He looked at me and told me my total. My ears were ringing from the sudden stop, so I never did hear what he said. I just handed him my credit card, waited for him to swipe it, and I got out of the cab. My favorite converse sneaker hit the pavement on the curb, and I was ready.


Jon Luke was always my favorite hair dresser. I had known him for years. I knew him before I was ever Mrs. Micky Deluka. I knew him before my long, curly brown hair was ever that nasty bleach blonde. I knew him when I was a fresh faced 18 year old, who had moved to Florida looking for fame and fortune. Back when I still knew who I was. Back before I was jaded.



"Oh. My. God. Could that be my favorite little diva?"
-"Yes, Jon Luke. It's been ages. I've missed you." Is what I heard myself say.

He squealed with delight, as he proceeded to ask me what I was doing there. So I went into the whole long, boring story about Mickey's demise. Jon Luke seemed relieved.

"Honey, you were always too good for that jackass anyways." He said with just a little attitude.
-"I know, I know. I just was so in love..." I stopped myself there, "No, you know what? You're right. Fuck that asshole! Let's get down to business. I want this fucking blonde OUT of my hair." I emphasized angrily.

Jon Luke ran off to get his supplies. He was so proud that I had come to him for my reinvention. I was disappointed in myself for having dropped our friendship like so many others. He had always been there for me, just as he was now. I took a deep breath, looked at my reflection, and asked myself out loud..."Are you ready for this?"

Before I had time to answer my own question, Jon Luke showed up with his tools. He could always work wonders with even the ugliest of women. I didn't know from experience, but I had seen his portfolio. I knew what he was capable of. We chatted for hours as he did my hair, like old friends should. We caught up on everything that had gone on the past few years. When I told him about Mickey, he asked me if I wanted him dead.  I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not....


"No Jon, I don't want him dead. I want him to live and suffer. I want him to know the best thing he ever had is gone. I want him to know that I'm happy without him."

Jon Luke smiled and nodded as if he knew exactly what I meant. It was the truth. I was everything a wife should have been. I changed my entire life for my husband. I cooked his dinner every night, I let him go out with the boys and didn't protest, I cleaned the house every day, and when we found out he was sterile, I agreed to give up the children I had always longed for. I did it all for him. But now... now I didn't have to worry.

I secretly scolded myself for thinking about him again. I kept seeing his name cross my mind. I kept thinking of those bright green eyes, the messy brown hair, and those sweet, soft, kissable lips. Why couldn't I stop? Why did I have to keep thinking about him? I was young and in love when we met. I was naive and believed everything he told me. As much as I wanted to hate him, I just couldn't forget the past eight years. But by god, I was trying...

After Jon Luke had finished with me, I turned to stare at my reflection. Tears sprang to my eyes, as for the first time in eight years, I really recognized the girl staring back at me. My curly hair was once again a beautiful brunette. My brown eyes glistened with hope, and this time there was no makeup on my face to be smeared. No, this was who I was.

Those old worn converse, the faded blue jeans, and my favorite band tee. This is who I was. This is who I had always been. I was comfortable. I was recognizable. I was me.

...I was me.

(To Be Continued...)

I need help...

I want to write a story, a book, take a picture, write a poem, edit, or do one of the various things I used to do, but I'm stuck. Also, that was a very long sentence. I need to become unblocked. :(

Any suggestions?

Absolutely Random...

Music is my sanity. It is the one constant in my life, even though my tastes are ever changing. No matter what mood I'm in, there's a song to fit. No matter what song I'm listening to, my mood transforms to fit. I think that I could spend the rest of my life without a book, movie, or television as long as I always had my music.

Music has always spoken to me. I can read beneath the words, and feel the lyrics. I get goosebumps if a song touches me, and I have been known to cry at many sappy country songs. (Be quiet, I can see you rolling your eyes and laughing at me!) I find that I have a wide variety of tastes from rap/country/alternative/pop etc. If there's a song you want me to hear, then I'll always give it a try. As long as you're willing to do the same for me, and give my music a shot. In fact, Right NOW I want you to go to Itunes (or whatever you use) and download the following songs/artists. You don't have to like or love them, but just give them a go....ready?


Music/Artists To Download/Buy:

1.) Augustana-Boston 
2.) Bleed-Cold
3.) Need You Now-Lady Antebellum
4.) If You Only Knew-ShineDown
5.) Deep Inside Of You-Third Eye Blind
6.) Swing Life Away-Rise Against
7.) I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
8.) Give Me Your Eyes-Brandon Heath
9.) New Soul-Yael Naim
10.) Sleepless Nights-Faber Drive
11.) Remembering Sunday-All Time Low
12.) Practice Makes Perfect-Cute Is What We Aim For
13.) Stolen-Dashboard Confessional
14.) I Get Off-Halestorm
15.) If I Close My Eyes Forever-Ozzy Osbourne ft/Lita Ford
16.) Arizona-Hey Monday
17.) The Reason-Hoobastank
18.) Can't Let Go-Landon Pigg
19.) Whoever She Is-The Maine
20.) You Be The Anchor-MayDay Parade
21.) Anywhere But Here-MayDay Parade
22.) Over The Years-NeverShoutNever!
23.) According To You-Orianthi
24.) Saltwater Room-Owl City
25.) Vanilla Twilight- Owl City


Now, these are mostly songs I've been listening to tonight, so there is obviously a theme in the type of song. I hope you listen and enjoy them. I will be posting more later in this blog. Feel free to send me suggestions. I listen to everything except polka/jazz/elevator music. I just am an avid lover of music is all. I thought I would share my passion with you.

The other thing I'm passionate about is photography. I'm not great at it, but I do give it my best shot. Some day I hope to open a studio, or even do freelance work. For now, I just have my Rebel to take fabulous shots of my sweet baby girl. We'll see what life has in store for me. We'll see what the cards hold. For now, I'm just living life, writing blogs, hanging out, and enjoying life.

Let's see where life takes me next.
Sarah V.

Before/After.

This was after our wedding in September 2008. Yes, I was pregnant

the day we got married. I gave birth about 3 weeks later.

This is my biggest weight, and I was 262 lbs.

=======================================

September 2009

9/7/09.

This was after I'd lost all my baby weight. I was back

down to about 197 pounds. I was even wearing pre-baby jeans

in this picture. However, I did it the unhealthy way and gained

it all back pretty quickly.

=======================================

Today:

I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way too.

I am only 4 pounds more than pre baby. I just have to tone a lot of areas.

I am still looking to lose 15-20 more pounds.

This is going to be a long journey. 

It will also be worth it.

:)

The Return Of Beauty...

A new year has begun, and like so many years before I promised myself that I too would become new. I am aiming to be a new person, or a better version of myself if you will. I am finding that while I used to feel like such an amazing person, I have spent the past 5 years turning into a cynic. I used to find the simplest beauty in people, in the world, and in everything around me. Now, All I see is fear, dissatisfaction, and anger. I want so much for that wide eyed version of myself to reappear. I want the girl I was in the past to tell the girl I am today that it's alright to have faith in humanity. I want to know that I shouldn't fear the unknown, but rather embrace it. Well, I suppose since I'm writing the words that I'm already aware.

I hate that I can't be who I was. I hate that I've grown into something other than what I had ever imagined for myself. I love my life as a mother. I love my life as a wife. I just don't love the situations that I'm in right now. I miss my family, my friends, and the future I once saw for myself. I miss driving around aimlessly and stumbling upon some beautiful mess that I could photograph. I miss sitting at the riverside staring off into the distance, resting there with no one but myself and my own thoughts. I miss knowing that if ever I needed something, my mother was just a phone call away. Life never turns out exactly as you plan it.

I live in a new town, in a state that after 2 years I'm still unfamiliar with. I spend my days home alone with my daughter. I once felt safe walking down the streets of my old familiar home town, and now I fear leaving the house. I once felt safe in the darkest hours of the night, in the worst town in the Midwest...and yet, I feel unsafe in this suburb because of a recent break in to my car.

Once I became a mother, a whole new world opened up. Usually, when you hear a woman say that, she speaks of only the good in her new world. However, with a new world, comes a darker side as well. You can't help but wonder anymore who to trust. You can't help but flash back to every disturbing episode of crime drama television you've ever seen, and wonder if the woman jogging on the opposite side of the street is going to hurt you or not. Worst of all, you lose all trust in humanity. It's a woman's instinct to protect her child, and for me that means I trust no one. It makes for a lonely life.

I want only the best for my daughter, but how can I look her in the face one day and tell her that I want her to be everything I wasn't? How can I tell her that she can do anything she sets her mind to, if I couldn't? How can I look at her bright hazel eyes and promise her the world, when I myself am too afraid to go live in it? The answer: I can't.

One day, all of this will make sense. One day, my entire world will open up as if I were hiding behind a large golden gate in some naive world. I will rub my eyes, and the world will cease to be an ugly place. Once again, beauty will replace all of the wrongs in my eyes. Once again, the sun will shine over the mountains, the snow will melt, the flowers will bloom, the grass will be glistening with morning dew, and my daughter will be running outside, laughing, playing, and trusting the world that I no longer deem trustable.

Friends, I won't lie to you. I long for that day. It's a terrible feeling to know that while you have one of life's greatest miracles, a child, you can't even enjoy yourself because you are too busy second guessing life. I long for that return of beauty.

Things that make me happy

This is already posted at Embracing Change, so if you follow there you've already seen it.

I think I am going to try something new today. Every Friday I'm going to blog about something that makes me happy. I have been struggling with the weight loss, calorie counting, and the guilt associated with weight loss all week. So, today I will write a happy blog. This kind of goes along with Brooke's blog, but I had been thinking of doing something similar for a little while. I guess great minds thing alike.

I will warn you that this is going to be a photo blog! If you don't want your photo up, let me know and I will remove it.

MY BABY GIRL

The first thing that makes me happy is obviously my baby girl. She is getting so big, and growing so fast that it's scary. She has learned how to do things that I could have never imagined her doing so young. (16 months old, and already standing on chairs!) She just makes my whole day brighter. I mean, look at that smile. She is the happiest baby I've ever met. <3

FAMILY

My family is the 2nd thing that makes me happy. The baby was cranky in the first photo, but it's the only recent picture of all 3 of us. We are just so adorable together. Don't you agree? Plus, I love that dorky lookin guy.The rest of the pictures include myself, my mother, my grandfather, my niece, and both little brothers.

FRIENDS

Vintage Sarah and Brooke [Nov '07]

Didn't we look so innocent? :)

Quinn and Harliegh

FRIENDS. Friends make me happy. Friends make everyone happy. It had been a long time since I'd seen any of my friends, and I got to see a few this week. I still miss all of you Iowans though! <3

MY NIECE TAYLYNN

This is my beautiful niece TayLynn. She is now 3 years old. Our family doesn't get to see her much, but we all love her very much. She is my brothers only child, and I hope that when I'm in town again I get to see her. She loves her cousin Emma. <3

PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!

It's kind of a big deal to me.

Momma and her baby (Canon Rebel XSi)

PICTURES I'VE TAKEN:

(Above) Doliver park: Iowa: 2007

MUSIC:

All time low

Augustana

Automatic Loveletter

Boys Like Girls

Cute is what we aim for

Framing Hanley

Faber Drive
Owl City

Forever The Sickest Kids

The Fray

HelloGoodbye

Hey Monday

Hit The Lights

Korn

The Maine

Mayday Parade

NEVERSHOUTNEVER!

Orianthi

The Petit Project

Plain White T's

Quietdrive

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Relient K

The Scene Aesthetic

Shinedown

Staind

Taking Back Sunday

This Providence

White Tie Affair

and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on...

WEBSITES:

Perez Hilton

DeviantArt

Blogger

PostSecret

Pandora

Ninjavideo

Netflix

TextsFromLastNight

FMyLife

Mylifeisaverage

Myspace

Facebook

Pathetic

Youtube  

(Shane Dawson is my favorite youtuber)

This is Shane Dawson.

Photo from this link.

And those are the things that make me happy.
 (And all of your blogs of course)

Peace, Love, and Random Friday Blogging

Sarah V.

Changes......

I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling so nostalgic lately. I guess that's not necessarily a good thing, if you consider that half of my life has been nothing but crap. I am feeling lonely and sad. It's almost unexplainable.

Earlier today, I decided that I need to change my life. I am so tired of sitting at home with nothing to do. I'm already going to be a 24 or 25 year old college freshman, if I can even get my ass into the administration office to sign up for the classes I want to take. We have moved away from BOTH families and ALL of our friends at this point. Our lives revolve around only one another. Having a marriage that is so clingy can be difficult. I always want my hubby around, because I have no one else. I love him, and I worry about how much I annoy him at times.

We are currently visiting our friends back in C-Ville. I admit that I miss it here, but seeing my husband with his friends makes me feel horrible. I'm always a third, fourth, or fifth wheel. I never feel like I'm part of the group. None of his friends really get the kind of person I am. Even tonight for example, my husband is playing cards with his friend Roo, drinking beer, and smoking a hookah. (An actual hookah, not a drug hookah. Just tobacco people.) Well, first of all...we have our baby so I don't want to drink. Second of all, I hate smoking around the baby. I don't smoke, I don't like other people smoking, and I especially hate seeing my husband smoke. I know its fun once in a while, and I've done it a time or two as well...but not inside, not on a weeknight, and not with a baby in tow. Oh, and third of all--they are playing Pokemon cards. I am sitting on the couch, alone, and blogging. I am letting the "boys be boys" and I'm just sitting here trying not to be the nagging shrew.

Regardless, now I feel sad, alone, left out, lonely...you name it. I'm sitting here alone, and I feel like crap. I miss MY friends. The ones I gave up, the ones who gave up on me, the ones who I ran from, and the ones who ran away. I have so few left, that I cherish them. I know that when people move away its hard to maintain a friendship, but no one ever really seemed to try for me. I am hoping to make new friends, find people to be around, and get my shit in order. I'm just tired of not having anyone there for me when I need them, but always being expected to be there for everyone else. It's bullshit. I just want my life back, or at least A life outside of being a housewife.

I love my husband, I love my daughter, and I'm very greatful that I have so much that others don't. There are just times that It's too much to handle. I miss my family, my friends, and everything I left behind. Unfortunately, most of the time it seems that my feelings/wants/desires don't count for much. I'm just thinking it's time for a change. It's just time.