Dear Michael-
This is such a hard letter to write, and I know you'll never read it. That makes it all the worse. You know the story and you know the truth, but you refuse to accept it. You are my brother. You don't have to believe me. You don't have to believe anyone. I know that you were raised by another man. I know that he is your father. However, the fact remains. The blood running through your veins is similar to mine. Our DNA is similar. We are forever linked, even if you don't want to accept that.
I wish you would take a moment to look at yourself. I wish that you could see how you look just like Ty. I wish you could see the same ears, the same face shape, and the same nose. All traits you both inherited from my father. I'm glad that you and Ty know one another. I'm glad that you are friends, even if you refuse to accept that you are truly brothers. I envy him for knowing you.
You will never know how much this eats at me. You will never know how many days I spend wishing that you would give me a chance. I just want to get to know you. I want to know my brother, and I want him to know who I am as well. Stop pushing me away. Stop being afraid. Just open your eyes to a new experience. I'm not going to take your sisters' place. I'm not going to make you forget your family.
The brothers and sisters that you grew up with, well they're no different than I am. They are half siblings, just like me. They are your mothers children, and we are my fathers children. We share the same father. How that can mean nothing to you is beyond me.
I spend every day wondering about you. I wonder how you were raised, what your mother is like, and who you are. I wonder what you like, who your favorite band is, and what type of ramen noodle you think is best. I check out your facebook page, and think up questions to ask you. You can hate me all you want. You can call me a liar, but I speak the truth. You should ask your mom for the papers. My father signed over his rights to you because he was still a married man. Unfortunately for him, you cant make a mistake like that and expect to be forgiven. Not only did he lose you, but he lost my mother as well. In turn, that made us lose you.
I wish there were different circumstances. I wish you believed me. I wish you knew or understood how heavily this weighs on my heart. But, you don't. You are only 19, and you want to go on living blissfully unaware of everyone around you. Your days are spent drinking and smoking, much like your brother and biological father. All I know is that I pray one day, you will stand up and realize that what I'm saying makes sense. I hope that one day, you will listen to your friends who tell you that you look "Just like that Boom kid." Because, you share his genes, just as you share mine. So, I will wait patiently and hope that one day, I can be a part of your life. I already love you and I don't even know you.
Always and Forever
Your big sister...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Savannah
Dear Reader:
This is my first draft of this story. It's a little too wordy, so I will try to fix that later on. Be warned this is a sad, dark story that you should read at your own risk.
-S.V.
My Savannah was a young girl, just fifteen years of age. Her latest birthday party had been held at a skate park just hours earlier. Her friends and family had all attended, but when the street lights came on most of the kids had to go home. She had begged me to let her stay. She saw how cool the other kids looked with their skate boards, trick bikes, and roller blades. Plus, she wanted desperately to garner the attention of a certain high school boy named Brian. She didn't think I noticed, but I did. She had spent countless hours sitting at this skate park without incident in the past, so I saw no reason that this time should be different. I agreed to go home without her.
As midnight rolled around, I began to worry. This was unlike Savannah. She was never the type to stay out late. She was always home by her ten o'clock curfew. I had always thought that I was being so generous with her. "Not many girls your age are lucky enough to have such a late curfew," I would say. The only reply I ever received was an eye roll. As the hours passed slowly, my concerns turned into panic. I didn't know what to do. I knew that if I called the police they would tell me that my daughter was simply a run away. I had no faith in the justice system anyways. So, I waited.
At five thirty in the morning the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat as I thought about my daughter. I quickly answered the phone with a lump in my throat, and a racing heart.
"Is this Maria Bennet?" -The voice on the other line asked hesitantly.
"Yes, yes, yes this is Maria Bennet! What's happened?"
"Miss Bennet, we've found your daughter. She is currently at Belleview medical center getting checked out. She's asking for you."
Just then, I burst into tears. I couldn't ask for details. I couldn't even speak. I just listened to the voice on the other line, as he explained to me what had happened. I quickly thanked the officer for the information, asked him for the hospitals address, and left the house still in my ratty old pajamas.
The drive to the hospital was a blur. I could remember running red lights, and street cameras photographing my license plates in order to ticket me for my reckless driving. I could remember cutting off a green station wagon, and not caring when the driver showed her a less than friendly gesture over the incident. I didn't give a damn who I upset, who I insulted, or how many tickets I got. All I cared about right then was my daughter. My sweet, innocent Savannah.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I parked in a no parking zone and rushed inside. Before I knew what I was doing, I had forcefully thrust my hands onto the receptionists desk, and had begun questioning where my daughter was. The receptionist asked me to calm down, so she could better understand what I was saying. I hadn't noticed it before, but I had become hysterical.
As I slowly tried to calm myself, I once again asked where my daughter was. The receptionist paged the on call doctor, and had him take me down to Savannahs room. I didn't know why my baby was in the hospital. I didn't even care what the reasons were. I just wanted to know that my daughter was okay.
The hospital door opened, and there she was. My beautiful daughter, sleeping soundly on a tiny hospital cot. She looked like an angel as she slept, just the way she always had. This time however, she was hooked up to several noisy machines. Her face was bruised, her lips were cracked, and there were ivs sticking out of her arms. It was alarming to see my only daughter this way, so I just sat and wept quietly to myself.
Hours later, Savannah awoke. At the sight of me by her bedside, she burst into tears. She wanted so badly to tell me what happened. She wanted so badly for me to make things right, but I couldn't. She had begged the doctors not to tell me what had happened to her. She told me that the words would come, in due time.
The Ivs that were sticking out of her arms made it difficult, but I still found a way to hug her. I couldn't believe that just twenty four hours earlier, she was celebrating her fifteenth birthday with friends. I couldn't believe the events that unfolded on the eve of her birthday. I couldn't believe it, and I simply didn't want to.
The hours turned into days, and Savannah remained at the hospital. I called into work and let them know what was going on. They agreed to give me personal time off, so I could be with my daughter. I never left her side, except to run to the house and get her favorite stuffed animal. She loved Mr. Binky, and she had since infancy. She would never admit to her friends that she still carried around a stuffed animal, but I could see that my baby was in pain. I knew that Mr. Binky would help soothe her.
Nearly three days after the incident occurred, one of Savannah's doctors pulled me off into the hallway. He wanted to know if she had told me yet what happened to her. I felt ashamed when I told him that she hadn't given me the details yet. He gave me a concerned look, as he gnawed on his upper lip. I was told that another doctor would be coming down to speak with me, and that I could go back into Savannah's room until he arrived.
I was beginning to panic. Would Savannah ever tell me what was wrong? Would she ever tell me what happened to her that night? Her bruises were fading, but still prominent. They were a constant reminder of the secret she was keeping from me. I wanted so badly to hold her and comfort her, but at the same time I wanted to shake her until she told me what happened. Instead, I patiently sat by her bedside, once again holding her hand.
After a few hours had passed, Savannah drifted off to sleep. She wasn't eating, and she cried any time I left the room. She never wanted to be left alone with any of the hospital staff, and she refused to speak to nearly anyone. I pried our fingers apart, and went to the bathroom to freshen up, because I knew this would be my only chance to do so. Just then, there was a knock on the door. I peeked around the corner to see another man in a white lab coat beckoning me.
I tiptoed out the door to meet with the young doctor. I noticed that his name badge was different than the other doctors in the hospital. He looked at me with concerned brown eyes, and told me that if my daughter didn't talk to someone soon, they would have to recommend that she be placed in a mental health facility until she opened up. I was shocked, terrified, angered, and mortified. What kind of a monster would recommend a fifteen year old girl be put into lock down? I wouldn't allow them to put my Savannah in some sort of home where they would shove medication down her throat, and make her participate in group therapy. I stormed away from the doctor, and watched as he sulked away with his eyes on the ground.
I barged back into Savannah's room, not trying to remain quiet this time. I shook her until she woke up, and I started to question her. I could tell that she was confused, as she rubbed her eyes and looked around. I couldn't help myself anymore, and I just persisted more and more. I begged her to tell me what happened. I screamed at her. I cried until my eyes were sore. She just stared at me. I dropped to my knees and begged her to let me help her, but she once again looked right through me with a blank stare. Finally, I told her that if she didn't tell me what had happened, I would have no choice but to send her away. And with that, tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Mommy," She said to me in a wavering voice, "I don't want you to be upset with me."
I looked at her with great concern, and I felt my eyes fill up with tears once more. My voice was just as shaky as hers.
"Savannah, you know that no matter what happened, I will love you. This was not your fault, whatever happened, wasn't your fault. Someone else hurt you. Someone else put you here. The only anger I will feel is towards that person. Just please baby, please tell me what I can do to help!"
My sweet Savannah sat in bed crying, picking the pink nail polish off her index finger. She always did things like that when she was nervous, so I didn't press her for any more information. I let her take her time, even though it was killing me. I let her spend the next fifteen minutes tearing nail polish off of her finger nails, only glancing up at me occasionally. Finally, she cleared her throat.
"Mom. I don't know how to tell you this, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm only telling you, because if I don't, I know I will be sent away. I want to close my eyes mommy. I want to close them tight and wish away all of this. I want it all to be a horrible dream, but I know it's real. I don't want you to know any of this mom, but I know that I have to tell someone. Please don't be mad."
I looked at her with horror and concern on my face. What could have happened? What could have gone so terribly wrong. What kind of monster hurts a child on her birthday? All of these thoughts ran through my head, and Savannah continued to speak..
"The night that you left me at the skate park, I was trying to impress my friend Brian. He is an older boy, so I tried to act cool. I watched as he and his friends did tricks on the skate ramp, and I cheered them on. As the hours passed, I didn't even realize it. I was having such a great time. Soon, his friends all left, and Brian offered me a ride. I told him that I would rather walk home, because you always tell me not to get in the car with new drivers. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Pretty soon, I started the short walk home."
"I put my headphones in, turned on my ipod, and lost myself in my favorite song. When I was only a few blocks from home, I felt someone grab me. I never got to see his face mom, but he punched me the second I spun around. I fell to the ground, and three other boys came to help him. I didn't try to get up, because I was too afraid of what they would do to me. Instead, I kept my face down on the ground and I cried. They heard me crying mommy, and they kept beating me. One boy stole my ipod, my cell phone, my purse, and even the shoes off my feet. He took off running, and demanded the other boys follow, but they didn't. Before I knew what was happening, they had my pants off. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and thought about being anywhere but there. I cried loudly into the cold, rough pavement. The boys took turns with me, and when they were finished, they beat me again."
I stared at her as I tried to get the strength to move my mouth. I couldn't form words, I couldn't comprehend. I was completely numb.
"Mom, Brian tried to call my cell phone because he knew that I was walking home. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, and when he couldn't reach me he got worried. He drove all around the skate park looking for me, and when he finally found me, he called 911. I was so afraid of what those boys might do to me again, that I never even moved. I was still on the pavement, crying silently. I had managed to pull my pants back up, but they were torn and tattered. Brian got out of his car and sat with me as I wept, waiting for the ambulance. But mommy, that's not the worst part...." And with that, her voice trailed off.
I searched my mind trying to think of anything that could be worse than what my daughter had just told me. I searched my mind trying to come up with some sort of rationalization, but I couldn't think of anything. I managed to muster the strength to ask her, "What's the worst part then baby? What could be worse than that?"
Savannah looked away ashamed. She didn't want to tell me the last part of the story. She didn't want me to know the ending. What could be worse than what she had gone through? What could be worse than being raped ? What other horrific trials would my fifteen year old daughter have to endure?
Just then Savannah looked at the ground, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear her.
"Mom, none of them used protection. I didn't want to lose my virginity this way. I don't know what to do. The doctors ran a rape kit, and they helped me file a police report. But.....mom, you know I'm against abortion. So I.....I uhm....I turned them down when they tried to give me the abortion pill."
My face went white. I couldn't breathe. I sat there in stunned silence. I wanted to scream, fight, kick, and yell. I wanted to tell Savannah how stupid she was for turning down those pills, but I knew better. Savannah was a strong girl, with strong beliefs. I knew there was no changing her mind. Finally, it dawned on me what it was exactly that Savannah was trying to tell me..
...And we wouldn't know the answer to our questions for weeks.
This is my first draft of this story. It's a little too wordy, so I will try to fix that later on. Be warned this is a sad, dark story that you should read at your own risk.
-S.V.
My Savannah was a young girl, just fifteen years of age. Her latest birthday party had been held at a skate park just hours earlier. Her friends and family had all attended, but when the street lights came on most of the kids had to go home. She had begged me to let her stay. She saw how cool the other kids looked with their skate boards, trick bikes, and roller blades. Plus, she wanted desperately to garner the attention of a certain high school boy named Brian. She didn't think I noticed, but I did. She had spent countless hours sitting at this skate park without incident in the past, so I saw no reason that this time should be different. I agreed to go home without her.
As midnight rolled around, I began to worry. This was unlike Savannah. She was never the type to stay out late. She was always home by her ten o'clock curfew. I had always thought that I was being so generous with her. "Not many girls your age are lucky enough to have such a late curfew," I would say. The only reply I ever received was an eye roll. As the hours passed slowly, my concerns turned into panic. I didn't know what to do. I knew that if I called the police they would tell me that my daughter was simply a run away. I had no faith in the justice system anyways. So, I waited.
At five thirty in the morning the phone rang. My heart skipped a beat as I thought about my daughter. I quickly answered the phone with a lump in my throat, and a racing heart.
"Is this Maria Bennet?" -The voice on the other line asked hesitantly.
"Yes, yes, yes this is Maria Bennet! What's happened?"
"Miss Bennet, we've found your daughter. She is currently at Belleview medical center getting checked out. She's asking for you."
Just then, I burst into tears. I couldn't ask for details. I couldn't even speak. I just listened to the voice on the other line, as he explained to me what had happened. I quickly thanked the officer for the information, asked him for the hospitals address, and left the house still in my ratty old pajamas.
The drive to the hospital was a blur. I could remember running red lights, and street cameras photographing my license plates in order to ticket me for my reckless driving. I could remember cutting off a green station wagon, and not caring when the driver showed her a less than friendly gesture over the incident. I didn't give a damn who I upset, who I insulted, or how many tickets I got. All I cared about right then was my daughter. My sweet, innocent Savannah.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I parked in a no parking zone and rushed inside. Before I knew what I was doing, I had forcefully thrust my hands onto the receptionists desk, and had begun questioning where my daughter was. The receptionist asked me to calm down, so she could better understand what I was saying. I hadn't noticed it before, but I had become hysterical.
As I slowly tried to calm myself, I once again asked where my daughter was. The receptionist paged the on call doctor, and had him take me down to Savannahs room. I didn't know why my baby was in the hospital. I didn't even care what the reasons were. I just wanted to know that my daughter was okay.
The hospital door opened, and there she was. My beautiful daughter, sleeping soundly on a tiny hospital cot. She looked like an angel as she slept, just the way she always had. This time however, she was hooked up to several noisy machines. Her face was bruised, her lips were cracked, and there were ivs sticking out of her arms. It was alarming to see my only daughter this way, so I just sat and wept quietly to myself.
Hours later, Savannah awoke. At the sight of me by her bedside, she burst into tears. She wanted so badly to tell me what happened. She wanted so badly for me to make things right, but I couldn't. She had begged the doctors not to tell me what had happened to her. She told me that the words would come, in due time.
The Ivs that were sticking out of her arms made it difficult, but I still found a way to hug her. I couldn't believe that just twenty four hours earlier, she was celebrating her fifteenth birthday with friends. I couldn't believe the events that unfolded on the eve of her birthday. I couldn't believe it, and I simply didn't want to.
The hours turned into days, and Savannah remained at the hospital. I called into work and let them know what was going on. They agreed to give me personal time off, so I could be with my daughter. I never left her side, except to run to the house and get her favorite stuffed animal. She loved Mr. Binky, and she had since infancy. She would never admit to her friends that she still carried around a stuffed animal, but I could see that my baby was in pain. I knew that Mr. Binky would help soothe her.
Nearly three days after the incident occurred, one of Savannah's doctors pulled me off into the hallway. He wanted to know if she had told me yet what happened to her. I felt ashamed when I told him that she hadn't given me the details yet. He gave me a concerned look, as he gnawed on his upper lip. I was told that another doctor would be coming down to speak with me, and that I could go back into Savannah's room until he arrived.
I was beginning to panic. Would Savannah ever tell me what was wrong? Would she ever tell me what happened to her that night? Her bruises were fading, but still prominent. They were a constant reminder of the secret she was keeping from me. I wanted so badly to hold her and comfort her, but at the same time I wanted to shake her until she told me what happened. Instead, I patiently sat by her bedside, once again holding her hand.
After a few hours had passed, Savannah drifted off to sleep. She wasn't eating, and she cried any time I left the room. She never wanted to be left alone with any of the hospital staff, and she refused to speak to nearly anyone. I pried our fingers apart, and went to the bathroom to freshen up, because I knew this would be my only chance to do so. Just then, there was a knock on the door. I peeked around the corner to see another man in a white lab coat beckoning me.
I tiptoed out the door to meet with the young doctor. I noticed that his name badge was different than the other doctors in the hospital. He looked at me with concerned brown eyes, and told me that if my daughter didn't talk to someone soon, they would have to recommend that she be placed in a mental health facility until she opened up. I was shocked, terrified, angered, and mortified. What kind of a monster would recommend a fifteen year old girl be put into lock down? I wouldn't allow them to put my Savannah in some sort of home where they would shove medication down her throat, and make her participate in group therapy. I stormed away from the doctor, and watched as he sulked away with his eyes on the ground.
I barged back into Savannah's room, not trying to remain quiet this time. I shook her until she woke up, and I started to question her. I could tell that she was confused, as she rubbed her eyes and looked around. I couldn't help myself anymore, and I just persisted more and more. I begged her to tell me what happened. I screamed at her. I cried until my eyes were sore. She just stared at me. I dropped to my knees and begged her to let me help her, but she once again looked right through me with a blank stare. Finally, I told her that if she didn't tell me what had happened, I would have no choice but to send her away. And with that, tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Mommy," She said to me in a wavering voice, "I don't want you to be upset with me."
I looked at her with great concern, and I felt my eyes fill up with tears once more. My voice was just as shaky as hers.
"Savannah, you know that no matter what happened, I will love you. This was not your fault, whatever happened, wasn't your fault. Someone else hurt you. Someone else put you here. The only anger I will feel is towards that person. Just please baby, please tell me what I can do to help!"
My sweet Savannah sat in bed crying, picking the pink nail polish off her index finger. She always did things like that when she was nervous, so I didn't press her for any more information. I let her take her time, even though it was killing me. I let her spend the next fifteen minutes tearing nail polish off of her finger nails, only glancing up at me occasionally. Finally, she cleared her throat.
"Mom. I don't know how to tell you this, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm only telling you, because if I don't, I know I will be sent away. I want to close my eyes mommy. I want to close them tight and wish away all of this. I want it all to be a horrible dream, but I know it's real. I don't want you to know any of this mom, but I know that I have to tell someone. Please don't be mad."
I looked at her with horror and concern on my face. What could have happened? What could have gone so terribly wrong. What kind of monster hurts a child on her birthday? All of these thoughts ran through my head, and Savannah continued to speak..
"The night that you left me at the skate park, I was trying to impress my friend Brian. He is an older boy, so I tried to act cool. I watched as he and his friends did tricks on the skate ramp, and I cheered them on. As the hours passed, I didn't even realize it. I was having such a great time. Soon, his friends all left, and Brian offered me a ride. I told him that I would rather walk home, because you always tell me not to get in the car with new drivers. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Pretty soon, I started the short walk home."
"I put my headphones in, turned on my ipod, and lost myself in my favorite song. When I was only a few blocks from home, I felt someone grab me. I never got to see his face mom, but he punched me the second I spun around. I fell to the ground, and three other boys came to help him. I didn't try to get up, because I was too afraid of what they would do to me. Instead, I kept my face down on the ground and I cried. They heard me crying mommy, and they kept beating me. One boy stole my ipod, my cell phone, my purse, and even the shoes off my feet. He took off running, and demanded the other boys follow, but they didn't. Before I knew what was happening, they had my pants off. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and thought about being anywhere but there. I cried loudly into the cold, rough pavement. The boys took turns with me, and when they were finished, they beat me again."
I stared at her as I tried to get the strength to move my mouth. I couldn't form words, I couldn't comprehend. I was completely numb.
"Mom, Brian tried to call my cell phone because he knew that I was walking home. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, and when he couldn't reach me he got worried. He drove all around the skate park looking for me, and when he finally found me, he called 911. I was so afraid of what those boys might do to me again, that I never even moved. I was still on the pavement, crying silently. I had managed to pull my pants back up, but they were torn and tattered. Brian got out of his car and sat with me as I wept, waiting for the ambulance. But mommy, that's not the worst part...." And with that, her voice trailed off.
I searched my mind trying to think of anything that could be worse than what my daughter had just told me. I searched my mind trying to come up with some sort of rationalization, but I couldn't think of anything. I managed to muster the strength to ask her, "What's the worst part then baby? What could be worse than that?"
Savannah looked away ashamed. She didn't want to tell me the last part of the story. She didn't want me to know the ending. What could be worse than what she had gone through? What could be worse than being raped ? What other horrific trials would my fifteen year old daughter have to endure?
Just then Savannah looked at the ground, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear her.
"Mom, none of them used protection. I didn't want to lose my virginity this way. I don't know what to do. The doctors ran a rape kit, and they helped me file a police report. But.....mom, you know I'm against abortion. So I.....I uhm....I turned them down when they tried to give me the abortion pill."
My face went white. I couldn't breathe. I sat there in stunned silence. I wanted to scream, fight, kick, and yell. I wanted to tell Savannah how stupid she was for turning down those pills, but I knew better. Savannah was a strong girl, with strong beliefs. I knew there was no changing her mind. Finally, it dawned on me what it was exactly that Savannah was trying to tell me..
...And we wouldn't know the answer to our questions for weeks.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Who.
Who the fuck am I?
I have no idea. I am so far past lost, that its frightening.
I can't remember the last time I knew who I was, the last time I was honestly happy.
My daughter makes me happy, she is all that i live for these days, but what does that say about me?
I miss laughing, I miss my friends, my family, I miss the crazy girl I once was. I miss being the girl who was okay with living in a tent under a bridge by the river, just for the adventure. I miss running through town with old friends at 2 am, trying not to be caught by the cops. I miss random 3 am walmart trips in the town half an hour away. I miss being happy. I miss everything.
I miss knowing with certainty, who I am.
This has been a personal thought, brought to you by the letter D.
Sarah V.
I have no idea. I am so far past lost, that its frightening.
I can't remember the last time I knew who I was, the last time I was honestly happy.
My daughter makes me happy, she is all that i live for these days, but what does that say about me?
I miss laughing, I miss my friends, my family, I miss the crazy girl I once was. I miss being the girl who was okay with living in a tent under a bridge by the river, just for the adventure. I miss running through town with old friends at 2 am, trying not to be caught by the cops. I miss random 3 am walmart trips in the town half an hour away. I miss being happy. I miss everything.
I miss knowing with certainty, who I am.
This has been a personal thought, brought to you by the letter D.
Sarah V.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Photo Blog
These photos have all been taken by me using
a Canon Rebel Xsi.
..Enjoy..
Set 1: Self Portraits
Set 2: Nature
Set 3: Colors.
Side note: The last 2 photos in the 3rd series were not taken with the Canon Rebel Xsi. The first was taken with a Sanyo, and the second a Kodak.
These are just a few of my favorites.
Poetry pt 2
Poem 1: Cheating
Well I digress
I must protest
The way you are behaving
For it was love
And never lust
That I had been craving
I gave up every word
And Every tear
That ever I'd been saving
The silver blade
The red, broken vein
You called it misbehaving
Well I digress
I must protest
In the way that I've been treated
For It was you
Twas never I
Who said I'd been defeated
So here I stand
Leather bags in hand
And away I am retreating
Of your cold heart I've tired
There's nothing left of you to be admired
And It is I, whom you've been cheating
I must protest
The way you are behaving
For it was love
And never lust
That I had been craving
I gave up every word
And Every tear
That ever I'd been saving
The silver blade
The red, broken vein
You called it misbehaving
Well I digress
I must protest
In the way that I've been treated
For It was you
Twas never I
Who said I'd been defeated
So here I stand
Leather bags in hand
And away I am retreating
Of your cold heart I've tired
There's nothing left of you to be admired
And It is I, whom you've been cheating
=============================================
Poem 2: Cheers
This is for everything you tore apart
And every time you broke my heart
For every girl you've ever seen
And for every hand you held
That didn't belong to me...
For every lie you ever told
And every time I believed
For all the times you said you'd go
But instead you'd never leave
For every rumor that you've spread
Since I left you alone
And for every girl you'd been brave enough
To bring into our home
For every scar on my body
That was ever caused by you
For the memory of every bruise
Faded, black, and blue.
For every time you watched me cry
And you just sat and stared
For every time you promised your love to me
And yet it was never there
Here's to every emotional scar I have
And all the years I wasted on you
Here are the photos of me in my wedding dress
I hope you burn these too
Heres to the memory of you as my friend
Whatever happened to you
Here's to the times we sat around and laughed
And even to the times we cried
Here's to the nights I told you the truth
Here's to the nights you lied
Here's to the days you carried my books
Here's to the nights we got funny looks
For all the loving we were showing each other
And here's to your life, with someone other...
Someone other than me, now I hope you can see
That this toast is the end of everything.
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more tears
There will be no small children
Down the road in five years
There will be no long journey
Down the aisle of wedded bliss
There will be no I love yous
And no Goodnight kiss...
There will be no true love stories
For our childrens children as planned
For There will be nothing left by then
Of this relationship we once had
There will be no long tales
Of our days in study hall
And no photos of memories
In our home on the wall
There will never be the things
You wished for there to be
Because there is no more you
Loving me...
And Here's to your new girlfriend
Whose wearing my clothes
And Here's to my heart
Because only she knows...
Why I don't love you anymore.
I think I finally know for sure....
So Here's to the nights
We fell deep in love
And heres to the years
We struggled to keep up
And Here's to the day
We finally said goodbye
And here's the toast
That ended it all...
Cheers, to no more wondering why
And every time you broke my heart
For every girl you've ever seen
And for every hand you held
That didn't belong to me...
For every lie you ever told
And every time I believed
For all the times you said you'd go
But instead you'd never leave
For every rumor that you've spread
Since I left you alone
And for every girl you'd been brave enough
To bring into our home
For every scar on my body
That was ever caused by you
For the memory of every bruise
Faded, black, and blue.
For every time you watched me cry
And you just sat and stared
For every time you promised your love to me
And yet it was never there
Here's to every emotional scar I have
And all the years I wasted on you
Here are the photos of me in my wedding dress
I hope you burn these too
Heres to the memory of you as my friend
Whatever happened to you
Here's to the times we sat around and laughed
And even to the times we cried
Here's to the nights I told you the truth
Here's to the nights you lied
Here's to the days you carried my books
Here's to the nights we got funny looks
For all the loving we were showing each other
And here's to your life, with someone other...
Someone other than me, now I hope you can see
That this toast is the end of everything.
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more tears
There will be no small children
Down the road in five years
There will be no long journey
Down the aisle of wedded bliss
There will be no I love yous
And no Goodnight kiss...
There will be no true love stories
For our childrens children as planned
For There will be nothing left by then
Of this relationship we once had
There will be no long tales
Of our days in study hall
And no photos of memories
In our home on the wall
There will never be the things
You wished for there to be
Because there is no more you
Loving me...
And Here's to your new girlfriend
Whose wearing my clothes
And Here's to my heart
Because only she knows...
Why I don't love you anymore.
I think I finally know for sure....
So Here's to the nights
We fell deep in love
And heres to the years
We struggled to keep up
And Here's to the day
We finally said goodbye
And here's the toast
That ended it all...
Cheers, to no more wondering why
===============================================
Poem 3: Love Destruction
You once loved me
Not just for everything I wasn't
But for everything
I was
My loved for you poured
Like the rain bursting from the August sky
So many years of wasted bliss
And ignorance
We kept thinking life
Could never intervene
And nothing would ever come
In between
You and I, with our love so
Seemingly flawless
Never knowing how lost
Each of us really were
You helped me through the roughest times
You wiped away each tear I cried
And now those days are gone
They've passed us by
Leaving me with no more tears
To cry…
With each new day I awaken
My first morning breath is spent
Just thinking of you…
And me, and what can never be.
It's funny…
They say, "You don't really know what you've got
Til it's gone."
But I had you
And slowly I began losing grasp
It was a feeling I had hoped would eventually
Surpass
Now you're gone
I'm moving on
There's a new chapter it seems
Inside the story of me…
I can't help but regret
Leaving everything I could never forget
Behind in our past
We could have made it last…
We could have forgiven
Forgiven ourselves enough
To let love in again
I wish I'd never given you up
My dearest friend
But now as it seems
You're happier without me
That's all I've ever wanted for you
Smile and move on with your life
Don't ever think back
Don't look to the past
Or think of the maybes
Or the nights spent crying
Over anything
Hold your head high
As our entangled hearts say goodbye
And mourn over the love
We destroyed.
Not just for everything I wasn't
But for everything
I was
My loved for you poured
Like the rain bursting from the August sky
So many years of wasted bliss
And ignorance
We kept thinking life
Could never intervene
And nothing would ever come
In between
You and I, with our love so
Seemingly flawless
Never knowing how lost
Each of us really were
You helped me through the roughest times
You wiped away each tear I cried
And now those days are gone
They've passed us by
Leaving me with no more tears
To cry…
With each new day I awaken
My first morning breath is spent
Just thinking of you…
And me, and what can never be.
It's funny…
They say, "You don't really know what you've got
Til it's gone."
But I had you
And slowly I began losing grasp
It was a feeling I had hoped would eventually
Surpass
Now you're gone
I'm moving on
There's a new chapter it seems
Inside the story of me…
I can't help but regret
Leaving everything I could never forget
Behind in our past
We could have made it last…
We could have forgiven
Forgiven ourselves enough
To let love in again
I wish I'd never given you up
My dearest friend
But now as it seems
You're happier without me
That's all I've ever wanted for you
Smile and move on with your life
Don't ever think back
Don't look to the past
Or think of the maybes
Or the nights spent crying
Over anything
Hold your head high
As our entangled hearts say goodbye
And mourn over the love
We destroyed.
==========================================
Poem 4: Charades
The words I have to say to you
Remain
They're stuck in my throat
And I choke--
As my eyes quickly moisten
You become an image
Of watercolor beauty
right before my eyes
And as I die
I see your smiling face
Which could never be replaced
Because--
There could never be another you
Who would fit me, the way you do...
You with your loving bright eyes
And you're little white lies...
That you told me each time
We held each other to cry
Together...
but alone in my room
And we both knew--
That this was love
But it would never last
Because the past
Could never let it rest
So we swore we'd just
Forget It All--
But who could forget you
Standing there now, in such dark clothes
With a Smile on your face
Because only you know
Why....
My necrosis is now a reality
Though no one wants to believe it
I smile to myself
As you lean in to kiss me
I never imagined you would...
The cold, stiff, flesh--
I was certain
Would destroy you
The closed eyes
And The makeup that tries
To confuse you
The lies that they portray
The eyes that they've arranged
With decoration--
Befitting a young lady
Who sadly Isn't me
Why Can't you see?
Don't you cry for me
Because--
We both know
You were gone
Long before I was--
And I missed you for so long
My tears they fell
Just like a summer rain
My heart breaking each time
The thunder rolled
And you've always known...
Remain
They're stuck in my throat
And I choke--
As my eyes quickly moisten
You become an image
Of watercolor beauty
right before my eyes
And as I die
I see your smiling face
Which could never be replaced
Because--
There could never be another you
Who would fit me, the way you do...
You with your loving bright eyes
And you're little white lies...
That you told me each time
We held each other to cry
Together...
but alone in my room
And we both knew--
That this was love
But it would never last
Because the past
Could never let it rest
So we swore we'd just
Forget It All--
But who could forget you
Standing there now, in such dark clothes
With a Smile on your face
Because only you know
Why....
My necrosis is now a reality
Though no one wants to believe it
I smile to myself
As you lean in to kiss me
I never imagined you would...
The cold, stiff, flesh--
I was certain
Would destroy you
The closed eyes
And The makeup that tries
To confuse you
The lies that they portray
The eyes that they've arranged
With decoration--
Befitting a young lady
Who sadly Isn't me
Why Can't you see?
Don't you cry for me
Because--
We both know
You were gone
Long before I was--
And I missed you for so long
My tears they fell
Just like a summer rain
My heart breaking each time
The thunder rolled
And you've always known...
============================================
Poem 5: Dear Mother
She tried to hide
Behind her piercings
Behind her unnatural dyes
But in doing so she knew
You could still see the pain in her eyes
Her black jeans
With matching shirt
And the blue hoodie
Hiding her open wrists
The weather was as warm
As the blood trickling down her arm
Why did no one ask?
Why could no one help her?
It was the dead of summer
They knew
They had to know...
Betrayed by her own
Flesh and blood, why
Mother?
Why did you not care?
The denial grabbed you by the throat mother
It choked you and you didn't care
You were blind mother
And it was by choice
...Not fate
Oh mother...
Why did you not help your only daughter?
Why did you knowingly
Let me bleed at night?
Behind her piercings
Behind her unnatural dyes
But in doing so she knew
You could still see the pain in her eyes
Her black jeans
With matching shirt
And the blue hoodie
Hiding her open wrists
The weather was as warm
As the blood trickling down her arm
Why did no one ask?
Why could no one help her?
It was the dead of summer
They knew
They had to know...
Betrayed by her own
Flesh and blood, why
Mother?
Why did you not care?
The denial grabbed you by the throat mother
It choked you and you didn't care
You were blind mother
And it was by choice
...Not fate
Oh mother...
Why did you not help your only daughter?
Why did you knowingly
Let me bleed at night?
Poetry Pt 1
Here are a few of my poems from the past. I will post a few different entries of these for you to see. Some are great, some are terrible. They are from the past 4 years. :) Enjoy!
Poem 1: Snowstorm
Noises echo in my mind
A Melody, I can not find
Trees are swaying in the breeze
Inspiration, eludes me
Clouds of Grey are passing by
Within the sweetest sorrows, of the evening sky
The Winds are gusting, blowing leaves
Lonesome swings, deceiving me
The sun is shining, though not warm
I predict a long snow storm
A Melody, I can not find
Trees are swaying in the breeze
Inspiration, eludes me
Clouds of Grey are passing by
Within the sweetest sorrows, of the evening sky
The Winds are gusting, blowing leaves
Lonesome swings, deceiving me
The sun is shining, though not warm
I predict a long snow storm
=============================
Poem 2: Heaven
(This is going to be converted into a story, I don't like it as a poem)
I saw you there this morning,
You were laying your hands upon him once again.
I listened to his screams, his cries
His begging pleas to stop.
…You didn’t.
His face is bruised and swollen,
You have no recollection of what you’ve done, do you?
Another day, another bottle,
Is that all you think about...
How will you get your next fix?
How will you afford just one more case this time…
Fill the red cooler with the white lid,
Take it out on gravel,
Drink while you drive, with the music turned up loud.
You are invincible aren’t you,
Nothing bad could ever happen.
…No, not to you
Days turn into years,
With every day you remain alive after your charade,
Your courage grows just a little bit stronger.
Until one day…
That broken little boy,
Rides the bus home.
Theres no one to greet him at the end of the drive this time.
He walks the half mile to the house,
At the tender age of seven,
he’s home alone.
Where are you?
“Where are you mommy?” He asks with fear in his voice.
As his tears begin to fall,
He sits on the front steps of your country home…
No one is there for him,
No one at all.
Hours pass him by,
The broken boy remains tearfully seated.
He is in the same position as hours before.
Finally, up the drive pulls a white car
With lights of red and blue,
He knows what this means...
He knows deep in his heart.
The friendly police officer greets him,
“Son, how long have you been sitting here in the cold?” He asks the broken boy.
The young child just bows his head, and watches his tears silently hit the concrete.
He knows what comes next…
Mommy and daddy would never leave him home alone,
Not now.
Not like this.
Not on this cold December night.
He knows deep in his heart where mommy has gone…
He looks up at the officer with tear filled brown eyes
And with one simple word, he has his answer
“Heaven."
You were laying your hands upon him once again.
I listened to his screams, his cries
His begging pleas to stop.
…You didn’t.
His face is bruised and swollen,
You have no recollection of what you’ve done, do you?
Another day, another bottle,
Is that all you think about...
How will you get your next fix?
How will you afford just one more case this time…
Fill the red cooler with the white lid,
Take it out on gravel,
Drink while you drive, with the music turned up loud.
You are invincible aren’t you,
Nothing bad could ever happen.
…No, not to you
Days turn into years,
With every day you remain alive after your charade,
Your courage grows just a little bit stronger.
Until one day…
That broken little boy,
Rides the bus home.
Theres no one to greet him at the end of the drive this time.
He walks the half mile to the house,
At the tender age of seven,
he’s home alone.
Where are you?
“Where are you mommy?” He asks with fear in his voice.
As his tears begin to fall,
He sits on the front steps of your country home…
No one is there for him,
No one at all.
Hours pass him by,
The broken boy remains tearfully seated.
He is in the same position as hours before.
Finally, up the drive pulls a white car
With lights of red and blue,
He knows what this means...
He knows deep in his heart.
The friendly police officer greets him,
“Son, how long have you been sitting here in the cold?” He asks the broken boy.
The young child just bows his head, and watches his tears silently hit the concrete.
He knows what comes next…
Mommy and daddy would never leave him home alone,
Not now.
Not like this.
Not on this cold December night.
He knows deep in his heart where mommy has gone…
He looks up at the officer with tear filled brown eyes
And with one simple word, he has his answer
“Heaven."
============================================================
Poem 3: Revolving Door
I constantly swore
That my love for you was never more
And yet here I am, once again
Standing Idly outside your door
I could easily find the words to say
That I loathed your very existance
And yet here we are
And I haven't strayed far
I tell all my friends
This will be the honest end
And here I am sleeping over
Waiting for my heart to mend
I believe all your lies
And you doubt all my truths
So what is it darling
That keeps me here with you
Every smile I had to fake
Every lie you tried to hide
Every little piece of me
That slowly withered and died
Every time you smashed my heart
Then mended it once more
Was nothing but the creation
Of our revolving door
That my love for you was never more
And yet here I am, once again
Standing Idly outside your door
I could easily find the words to say
That I loathed your very existance
And yet here we are
And I haven't strayed far
I tell all my friends
This will be the honest end
And here I am sleeping over
Waiting for my heart to mend
I believe all your lies
And you doubt all my truths
So what is it darling
That keeps me here with you
Every smile I had to fake
Every lie you tried to hide
Every little piece of me
That slowly withered and died
Every time you smashed my heart
Then mended it once more
Was nothing but the creation
Of our revolving door
====================================================
Poem 4: Outsider
(Written with several song titles, and kind of nonsensical)
You push against my lips
Delivering your poison kiss
And darling I refuse to believe
Just what it is you're telling me
For, Ignorance was never bliss
And never could I cherish it
my heart was far too busy, with its breaking
And my crying eyes, too busy aching.
With the changing colors of every autumns eve
I was reminded of all that we used to be
Candlelit picnics in Cavanaugh park
Wrapped in your coat, as I was chilled by the dark.
Pretending one day, we too would escape
Bringing nothing along, but your old worn mix tape
Dreaming of jumping aboard a runaway train
Hoping our efforts, would not be lost in vain.
I realize now, that those were just dreams
And I understand nothing is quite what it seems
Now I am on the outside, and I'm peering in
And I cannot seem to find the spot, that I used to fit in.
Delivering your poison kiss
And darling I refuse to believe
Just what it is you're telling me
For, Ignorance was never bliss
And never could I cherish it
my heart was far too busy, with its breaking
And my crying eyes, too busy aching.
With the changing colors of every autumns eve
I was reminded of all that we used to be
Candlelit picnics in Cavanaugh park
Wrapped in your coat, as I was chilled by the dark.
Pretending one day, we too would escape
Bringing nothing along, but your old worn mix tape
Dreaming of jumping aboard a runaway train
Hoping our efforts, would not be lost in vain.
I realize now, that those were just dreams
And I understand nothing is quite what it seems
Now I am on the outside, and I'm peering in
And I cannot seem to find the spot, that I used to fit in.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
If you love me.
This is the most random awkward story ever... I don't even know when I started it or where I was going with it. It's confusing to say the least, but I thought I'd post in anyways.
(IF YOU LOVE ME)
If you love me. If you ever loved me at all, we wouldn't have come to this. We wouldn't be two strangers living side by side. We wouldn't be two people secretly searching for a way out. We wouldn't be anything at all. We would be free of this.
If you knew the anguish that you caused me, would you look at me the same? Would you still roll your eyes when I begged you to be with me? Would you still tell your friends how much you hated being with me, and then lie to my face? Would you still spend your entire life on your phone? Would it change anything?
If you felt the pain that I feel, would things be different? I doubt it. I don't think anything will ever change. I keep putting on a mask and pretending that things are fine when they're not. I'm hurting, and no one seems to notice. Well, that's not entirely true, I'm sure there's at least one person out there who notices...It just seems that he doesn't really care.
All I ever wanted from you were the same things that every woman wants from a man. I didn't ask you to change your life, or give up the things you loved. I didn't force you to leave your family, your friends, and your entire world. I didn't do those things to you, instead you did them to me. I left my world of my own free will, but I never expected you to be anything but sympathetic. Instead, you throw it in my face every day that I am here now. That I will never go back home. That you will always be here, with me, and no where else. That my world never mattered much to you at all.
You deny me the basic necessities in a relationship, and then question why I'm hurt. We no longer make love like we once did, in fact we don't do it at all. We no longer have those sweet, lingering kisses. Worst of all, you no longer hold me. What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done to make you despise me so much? I gave you a child, made your house a home, cook your dinners, and I've encouraged you to follow every dream you've ever had. I've run away with you, and returned with you more times than I care to count. I've even turned a blind eye to the lies, the deception, and the other women. I have looked past your flaws in an effort to save our relationship, but rather its disintegrated into nothingness.
Often times I wonder if you wanted to get caught with other women. Was that your way out? Were you hoping that I would find out what you did, and leave you? You want to be the 'stand up guy.' You want to pull out the heroics and do what people expect of you. You don't even love me, you told her so yourself. You just wanted to stay together for the benefits you reap. Without us, your income will dwindle, your father will resent you, your taxes will be lessened, and your visitations will be minimal. You don't want to risk all of that, so instead you sit here, loathing me. You treat me like I'm disposable. You act as though at any moment I can be replaced.
I remember the beginning. Things were so amazing. I knew you were the one for me, but it was all a lie. YOU were a lie. You took me on a boat trip where we sat under waterfalls at sunset. You hiked with me to the top of a mountain, and held me as we overlooked the city. You even planned a romantic beach vacation for us to take in Florida, but suddenly things changed.
Once you found out I was pregnant, instead of your love for me growing...it seemed that you resented me. You didn't want to grow up. You were rich, famous, powerful, and young. How could I do this to you? You asked me that once. How could I take your life away? You never once thought about how I might feel. I was amazed. I was so grateful that God would bless me with a child. Every time I felt her kick, my heart grew with love and excitement. Every photograph they took of her, just reinforced my beliefs that she was perfect in every single way. Every part of my life she impacted, was an amazing journey that I wanted you to take with me.
Instead, you looked at me repulsed. You watched as my stomach grew, and you commented on my weight. You refused to look at me as an object of desire anymore. I was a ruined woman now. I had been used up, and thrown away like an old kleenex. My heart broke into a million pieces when you told me you were no longer attracted to me. You used excuse after excuse to leave the house, and I always knew that you were going to be with her. I shouldn't blame you. She is younger, smarter, and prettier than I am. She's in the same business as you are, and she's a huge hit with all of your clients. And then here I am. Plain Jane, frumpy and pregnant. No one wanted to see the fat girlfriend. No one wanted to see a pregnant woman at their champagne brunch. No one wanted me around. So, I knew you'd run off to see her.
As days and weeks turned into months of isolation, I felt myself breaking. You never spoke to me anymore. I lived alone inside a frail, fraggle bubble. If anyone made one wrong move, my bubble would burst. I wanted to feel safe and protected inside that world, but as the time grew near for our miracle child to be born, I felt worse and worse.
You came home one night, and I was lying in bed. My body had curled into the fetal position. I was worn out and I couldn't move, but you never said a word to me. At that moment the baby started crying, and your face went white. You looked terrified. You stuttered repeatedly trying to get a grasp on the situation at hand. You didn't understand where the baby had come from. I wasn't in the hospital, so how was this possible? You took another look at me and realized I'd been turning blue. My body was shutting down, and violently shaking with tremors. I hear you shout, "Oh God...." as the situation began to sink in.
The first kind thing you'd done for me in months was about to occur, only I wasn't aware. I was slipping away fast, and to be honest, I never felt like hanging on in the first place. I floated freely into another world as you slipped your suit jacket over my body, and called 911. You told the operator that I had lost a lot of blood, and I apparently had given birth at home while no one was around. The operator asked you how long it had been. They wanted details you didn't have. They wanted to know everything, and in that moment you realized that you knew none of it. I could see the shame on your face.
The sirens from the ambulance were a distant blur. I could hear the baby screaming as you held her tightly. She hadnt been properly treated after she was born, and you were doing all you could to keep her alive until the paramedics came. I saw you quickly throw a blanket over her still wet, bloody body. I saw you try to warm her desperately. I saw you marvel at her, the way I wished you had while she was still a part of me.
The next thing I remember, you were praying to god to keep us safe. I wanted to tell you that you would be better off without me, but my body wouldn't allow me to move. My eyes rolled back into my head, and my heart rate began to slow. The baby was still crying as the paramedics rushed in. I heard you beg them to save me. I heard you tell them how much you loved me. I heard you tell them everything you knew about what had happened, and then I heard nothing at all.
As the paramedics took me out in the ambulance, you went to the night stand by the bed. There was a note there for you, written hours before. It read:
My Dearest James,
I have tried for years to get you to reciprocate the love I have for you, but the timing is never quite right for you. You always have a party, an event, or a client to meet with. My presence in your life has never quite seemed important. I wanted to seek help for my issues, but I was too ashamed. After much consideration, I decided this was the only way we could both truly be happy and free.
My family disowned me the day I left to be with you. I never told you, because I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I have had no one in my life for the past year, besides you and this child living inside of me. I wanted to be a family so desperately, but that doesn't seem to be a desire you and I both share. So, in an effort to be free, I am leaving her with you. I am hoping that while you have no other options laid out, you will find a way to love her. I questioned only once if I were doing the right thing, and I quickly decided that I was. I know you and I didn't plan for things to happen this way, but they did.
She is your daughter. She is your flesh and blood. She is everything I have ever loved in this world, combined into one perfect child. I want you to remember me every time you look into her eyes. I want you to share with her the love that we had in the beginning. I want her to know the details of who we once were. I want you to promise me that you will do everything you can to make her understand why this had to be.
Please, don't ever tell her that you didn't want her. Don't tell her about our constant fighting. Don't even tell her what I've done until you know she can handle the truth. I know this is selfish of me, but I see no other option. Please don't be upset with me, and please don't cry. I have lived a great life, and I know that I love this child more than anyone else on this earth ever could. I know that the bond I share with her is great. She will understand one day, as will you. My pain has become unbearable, and I would be nothing but a burden to you both. So, I will take the fools way out. I will do my best to make this quick and painless. I will do my best to time it so you come home with enough time to spare her life. I have planned this for months, and now is the time for me to follow through.
Please know that I love you both very much, and my reasons for this go far beyond our relationship. Please know that I'm not doing this to punish you, or our daughter. I am doing this because I am too weak to continue living this way. I am too weak to feel this hurt every day. I am a coward, and I will take the cowards way out.
I love you always and forever
Perhaps now you would feel the pain I felt?
(IF YOU LOVE ME)
If you love me. If you ever loved me at all, we wouldn't have come to this. We wouldn't be two strangers living side by side. We wouldn't be two people secretly searching for a way out. We wouldn't be anything at all. We would be free of this.
If you knew the anguish that you caused me, would you look at me the same? Would you still roll your eyes when I begged you to be with me? Would you still tell your friends how much you hated being with me, and then lie to my face? Would you still spend your entire life on your phone? Would it change anything?
If you felt the pain that I feel, would things be different? I doubt it. I don't think anything will ever change. I keep putting on a mask and pretending that things are fine when they're not. I'm hurting, and no one seems to notice. Well, that's not entirely true, I'm sure there's at least one person out there who notices...It just seems that he doesn't really care.
All I ever wanted from you were the same things that every woman wants from a man. I didn't ask you to change your life, or give up the things you loved. I didn't force you to leave your family, your friends, and your entire world. I didn't do those things to you, instead you did them to me. I left my world of my own free will, but I never expected you to be anything but sympathetic. Instead, you throw it in my face every day that I am here now. That I will never go back home. That you will always be here, with me, and no where else. That my world never mattered much to you at all.
You deny me the basic necessities in a relationship, and then question why I'm hurt. We no longer make love like we once did, in fact we don't do it at all. We no longer have those sweet, lingering kisses. Worst of all, you no longer hold me. What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done to make you despise me so much? I gave you a child, made your house a home, cook your dinners, and I've encouraged you to follow every dream you've ever had. I've run away with you, and returned with you more times than I care to count. I've even turned a blind eye to the lies, the deception, and the other women. I have looked past your flaws in an effort to save our relationship, but rather its disintegrated into nothingness.
Often times I wonder if you wanted to get caught with other women. Was that your way out? Were you hoping that I would find out what you did, and leave you? You want to be the 'stand up guy.' You want to pull out the heroics and do what people expect of you. You don't even love me, you told her so yourself. You just wanted to stay together for the benefits you reap. Without us, your income will dwindle, your father will resent you, your taxes will be lessened, and your visitations will be minimal. You don't want to risk all of that, so instead you sit here, loathing me. You treat me like I'm disposable. You act as though at any moment I can be replaced.
I remember the beginning. Things were so amazing. I knew you were the one for me, but it was all a lie. YOU were a lie. You took me on a boat trip where we sat under waterfalls at sunset. You hiked with me to the top of a mountain, and held me as we overlooked the city. You even planned a romantic beach vacation for us to take in Florida, but suddenly things changed.
Once you found out I was pregnant, instead of your love for me growing...it seemed that you resented me. You didn't want to grow up. You were rich, famous, powerful, and young. How could I do this to you? You asked me that once. How could I take your life away? You never once thought about how I might feel. I was amazed. I was so grateful that God would bless me with a child. Every time I felt her kick, my heart grew with love and excitement. Every photograph they took of her, just reinforced my beliefs that she was perfect in every single way. Every part of my life she impacted, was an amazing journey that I wanted you to take with me.
Instead, you looked at me repulsed. You watched as my stomach grew, and you commented on my weight. You refused to look at me as an object of desire anymore. I was a ruined woman now. I had been used up, and thrown away like an old kleenex. My heart broke into a million pieces when you told me you were no longer attracted to me. You used excuse after excuse to leave the house, and I always knew that you were going to be with her. I shouldn't blame you. She is younger, smarter, and prettier than I am. She's in the same business as you are, and she's a huge hit with all of your clients. And then here I am. Plain Jane, frumpy and pregnant. No one wanted to see the fat girlfriend. No one wanted to see a pregnant woman at their champagne brunch. No one wanted me around. So, I knew you'd run off to see her.
As days and weeks turned into months of isolation, I felt myself breaking. You never spoke to me anymore. I lived alone inside a frail, fraggle bubble. If anyone made one wrong move, my bubble would burst. I wanted to feel safe and protected inside that world, but as the time grew near for our miracle child to be born, I felt worse and worse.
You came home one night, and I was lying in bed. My body had curled into the fetal position. I was worn out and I couldn't move, but you never said a word to me. At that moment the baby started crying, and your face went white. You looked terrified. You stuttered repeatedly trying to get a grasp on the situation at hand. You didn't understand where the baby had come from. I wasn't in the hospital, so how was this possible? You took another look at me and realized I'd been turning blue. My body was shutting down, and violently shaking with tremors. I hear you shout, "Oh God...." as the situation began to sink in.
The first kind thing you'd done for me in months was about to occur, only I wasn't aware. I was slipping away fast, and to be honest, I never felt like hanging on in the first place. I floated freely into another world as you slipped your suit jacket over my body, and called 911. You told the operator that I had lost a lot of blood, and I apparently had given birth at home while no one was around. The operator asked you how long it had been. They wanted details you didn't have. They wanted to know everything, and in that moment you realized that you knew none of it. I could see the shame on your face.
The sirens from the ambulance were a distant blur. I could hear the baby screaming as you held her tightly. She hadnt been properly treated after she was born, and you were doing all you could to keep her alive until the paramedics came. I saw you quickly throw a blanket over her still wet, bloody body. I saw you try to warm her desperately. I saw you marvel at her, the way I wished you had while she was still a part of me.
The next thing I remember, you were praying to god to keep us safe. I wanted to tell you that you would be better off without me, but my body wouldn't allow me to move. My eyes rolled back into my head, and my heart rate began to slow. The baby was still crying as the paramedics rushed in. I heard you beg them to save me. I heard you tell them how much you loved me. I heard you tell them everything you knew about what had happened, and then I heard nothing at all.
As the paramedics took me out in the ambulance, you went to the night stand by the bed. There was a note there for you, written hours before. It read:
My Dearest James,
I have tried for years to get you to reciprocate the love I have for you, but the timing is never quite right for you. You always have a party, an event, or a client to meet with. My presence in your life has never quite seemed important. I wanted to seek help for my issues, but I was too ashamed. After much consideration, I decided this was the only way we could both truly be happy and free.
My family disowned me the day I left to be with you. I never told you, because I didn't want to make you feel responsible for me. I have had no one in my life for the past year, besides you and this child living inside of me. I wanted to be a family so desperately, but that doesn't seem to be a desire you and I both share. So, in an effort to be free, I am leaving her with you. I am hoping that while you have no other options laid out, you will find a way to love her. I questioned only once if I were doing the right thing, and I quickly decided that I was. I know you and I didn't plan for things to happen this way, but they did.
She is your daughter. She is your flesh and blood. She is everything I have ever loved in this world, combined into one perfect child. I want you to remember me every time you look into her eyes. I want you to share with her the love that we had in the beginning. I want her to know the details of who we once were. I want you to promise me that you will do everything you can to make her understand why this had to be.
Please, don't ever tell her that you didn't want her. Don't tell her about our constant fighting. Don't even tell her what I've done until you know she can handle the truth. I know this is selfish of me, but I see no other option. Please don't be upset with me, and please don't cry. I have lived a great life, and I know that I love this child more than anyone else on this earth ever could. I know that the bond I share with her is great. She will understand one day, as will you. My pain has become unbearable, and I would be nothing but a burden to you both. So, I will take the fools way out. I will do my best to make this quick and painless. I will do my best to time it so you come home with enough time to spare her life. I have planned this for months, and now is the time for me to follow through.
Please know that I love you both very much, and my reasons for this go far beyond our relationship. Please know that I'm not doing this to punish you, or our daughter. I am doing this because I am too weak to continue living this way. I am too weak to feel this hurt every day. I am a coward, and I will take the cowards way out.
I love you always and forever
Perhaps now you would feel the pain I felt?